Why Not?

Why not?

This was my mantra a long time ago. When I ran a marathon and wrote numerous books and believed that I could achieve anything I set my mind to.

Then I got completely derailed by life. The last three years have been hard. This year has been the hardest. Sometimes it takes complete destruction to finally start to grow again. Like a forest fire that leaves everything charred but provides the means for new life to grow.

It's been a long year. I secluded myself for most of it. It gave me time to think and realize what is important and what never mattered. I think people spend too much time on stuff that just doesn't matter in the long term. I know I did, and I'm trying to be better about it now.

I've set some big goals. Big, scary goals. Because why not? I used to love big, scary goals. They pushed me to grow. I need more of that in my life. The hardest part is starting slow and recognizing where I am. It's been three years of little movement and lots of emotional eating. My brain wants to do things that my body is not ready for - not yet.

Luckily, I turned to lifting to get me through the last few years. I am stronger than I was before. For awhile it was all I could do. Now, it is the thing that always gets me back on track.

I had been doing pretty well for the last month. Feeling more like myself. I ran a few times. The longest one was 5.3 miles on an absolutely perfect fall day. The sun was shining. It was cool, but not too cold. The leaves were at the peak of their autumnal beauty. I was running on a section of road that is lined with big, old trees. Their leaves were bright yellow, and as I ran through, a little breeze picked up and created a cyclone of yellow leaves. As they danced around me, I kept thinking that this is why I run. For the beautiful moments that I could never experience if I stayed home. This is what's been missing for the last few years.

I was having a much better time at TKD as well. I started getting sick not long after I started TKD. I didn't know what was wrong with me for a long time, but it became difficult to do most of the movements. As much as I loved it, classes were a struggle. Then after surgery, when I was just beginning to feel like my old self, my dad passed away, and life went into a tailspin. I took a 6 month break from TKD. I had a lot of doubts. I wasn't sure I wanted to continue, but there was something in the back of my mind that told me to go back and try again - really try. Because for the first time I could actually give it 100%. One class. Give it my all. Don't let my head get in the way. Just go and see what happens. I told myself I could not go back if I chose, but I had to do one class.

I had the best class I had ever had. I felt good and strong. I was so worried it would be like before, but I had healed (at least physically). I wasn't limited anymore. It was incredibly freeing. I cried the whole way home. I have no doubt in my mind now that I will become a black belt. I am 100% dedicated to TKD now. The people are amazing and have become like family. I get to spend time with one of my best friends, and another friend has just joined class, too. I want to surround myself with inspiring people, and my TKD family are some of the best.

When everything is good, and I am focused things go very well. It's dealing with the setbacks that has always been the problem. There is a fine line between giving yourself time to rest and recover and sinking too deep into darkness. That's my biggest struggle. I always eventually pick myself back up and get back on track, and if I can do it this year, I can do it whenever. If nothing else, I've grown in that way during this miserable year.

The past week has not been a good one. I've gotten to the point in my grief where I am mostly okay most days. This last week has made up for it, though. It's been a rough one. On top of that, I slipped a rib and was in a lot of pain for a few days. I took time off from exercise to let it heal - which is already a smarter choice than what I used to do. But, it meant missing TKD and then I kind of settled into a week of inaction.

 I had the intention to be active and get myself out of this funk, but days passed, and I just couldn't decide what I felt like doing. When I am in that head space I can talk myself out of anything. I was looking through various workouts and found a simple one that was a test for 1RM back squat. I haven't tested my squat in a very long time, and I have been lifting quite a bit. I'm almost always up for squatting, so I decided to do it.

As always, my head is my biggest deterrent. Fixing my mindset has become one of my biggest goals, and I am seeing a little improvement. Still, that nagging little voice is always there. Doubting my abilities. I've been squatting fairly conservatively. My old PR for back squat was 150#, but I really thought I could do more. I'd been letting fear control me and had stuck to a max of 95# for my workouts. I started there and built up the weight. When I loaded the bar with my big 45# plates, the voice began. They looked huge. They looked heavy. Doubts began to swirl. But, I did it. 135# - no problem. It felt easy. 145 - easy. 155 - easy (and a new PR). Doubt started to fade. I started to feel good again. In the end, my new PR is 175#. I wonder if I could have done more if I started at a higher weight, but it was where I needed to start. I'm very, very happy with my new PR. Best of all, my confidence is back, and I am feeling ready for this week and to get some work done.

I'm focused on small actions that if done daily will help me build up to my massive long-term goals. One of them was to blog again. I was struggling to write before this year, and since my dad's passing, I haven't been able to write a word. It's slowly coming back. So slowly. Writing a blog post has been a goal for weeks. Today, I finally felt like I had something to say. It ended up being quite a bit. If you've made it through this much, thank you. I hope being honest about my struggles can help someone else, even if just to show that they're not alone. I felt alone for awhile, but more and more I am realizing that we are all much more similar than we are different.

I'm looking forward to ending 2018 on a better note and have high hopes for 2019. Time to live life again. Why not?  We only get one. I better make it count.

Slowly but Surely.

Last week was a crazy week. My last real workout was my long run on June 23rd. 

Yeah... it's been a while.

I was very active last week. I spent days working with 10-15 year olds at my summer theatre camp. No downtime during camp week. There's barely time to eat! 

I spent the evenings in the pool with my kiddos. We've been doing our "water workouts" which usually consist of running or swimming around the pool to create a whirlpool. Then we try to swim against the current. It is so much fun. 

I spent some time working on my breathing. I really want to get better at swimming. I can swim forever, but I can't crawl or breathe. I held onto the edge and put my face in the water. I tried to practice turning my head and breathing without lifting my face out of the water. It didn't go super well, but there was some improvement near the end. I would like to go swimming somewhere this week and try to put it all together. The only way I'll get better is if I practice. 

It's been super hot (for Vermont) and humid this week. Today was slightly better, and I decided to squeeze in some exercise. I took Moon Dog for a very short walk. It's still way too hot for big, black puppies to be out for very long. He was happy to get outside, though, and we stayed in the shady spots. 

I wanted to do more, but I had very little time. I decided to do terminators. Now, back on June 14th I wrote about my first round of terminators, and I said I would be doing them weekly and timing myself to see if I improved. Ha! 

It's been a few weeks since then. Oh well. Try, try again. Let's see if I can start doing them weekly. It may or may not happen, but I'll at least do them occasionally and see how I am doing. 

I wasn't sure how they would go this time. It's still hot out, and there is no AC in my gym. I wasn't expecting to do very well. 

I got it done. It wasn't pretty, and it wasn't fast, but I did all 165 reps. I beat my first time. By a lot. The first try I took breaks, but I needed breaks. I was breathing heard, and my heart was racing. This time my breaks were a lot shorter. I'd pause for an extra breath or two and then keep going. When I started feeling sick a few years ago, I stopped pushing, and I think gaining this back has been one of the best things about having the surgery. I can push through more and withstand more. I'm starting to feel strong again. It's a major confidence booster and something I needed very much.

My first time was 8:47. Today 6:48. Almost two minutes faster. And it felt better, too. I'm making improvements. Slowly but surely.

First Long Run In A Long Time

Today was my first long run in a long, long time. It was 5 miles, which doesn't seem like much compared to where I was before, but this has been my biggest lesson since I started running again. I cannot compare myself now to who I was then. They're two totally different people.

All I can do is try to improve from where I am now. I've had a pretty good week. I've done some heavier lifting, which I love and haven't done in a while.

I've also been running. My summer goal is to run more and be more consistent. I found a plan that I like that also includes lifting. I was going to start it in July because this month has been all about home improvement projects, and I have to teach theatre camp next week.

I realized yesterday that, without meaning to, I have already been following the plan. I did an upper body workout and then took two rest days. There was only one in the plan, but that's okay. I did an awesome morning run, which was my fastest in a long time. It was supposed to be a tempo run, so that works. Yesterday was an easy run, which I did when I ran with my girl. She has just started the c25k app, so it was a nice, easy interval workout.

Today was my long run. Honestly, the first three miles sucked. My feet were cramping, and my calves were really tight. I did a lot of walk/run intervals and walked more than I wanted. I almost quit a couple of times. It switched to a mental training day, but I managed to push through. My legs finally loosened up around mile three, and the last two miles felt pretty good.

The first hill almost made me quit.

It was such a beautiful morning, and I am so glad that I pushed on for the whole 5 miles. First long run is complete, and I can only get better from here!

A Good Sweat.

Today was a weights day! It's raining and gloomy outside. It's the perfect time to go back to my happy place. 

I haven't been lifting as often. I am focused on cardio - running, hiking, walking, biking, swimming - this summer. I spent the last two years only able to lift. I needed a break and time to do all the things I haven't been able to do. Still, lifting is my absolute favorite. I did some supersets and got a good sweat, too. Now, I'm enjoying the post-lifting feeling. The. Best.

Speaking of a good sweat, I am starting a personal weekly challenge. I meant to write about it earlier, but I got distracted by my awesome solo hike. In TKD we do a descending ladder workout that they call terminators. Jumping jacks, push ups, and sit ups - 10 reps down to 1 rep. For the summer, I am going to do terminators once a week and time it. I'm hoping to beat my time every week. 

Attempt One:

Honestly, I didn't push the pace on this one. I just wanted to get through it. Still worked up a good sweat. Nice quick workout and a great start to my week. Bring on the Summer of Sweat!

Photo by Sai Kiran Anagani on Unsplash

Yesterday was awesome. I did my first solo hike and ended up having the mountain to myself. I didn't see anyone else until I was on my way back down. The weather was perfect. It was super windy at the top, but it was refreshing.

I'm not saying that the answer to life's problems are on the top of a mountain, but ...

It was a tough hike. I was definitely tired and a bit sore. It was not all pretty, but I pushed myself. I felt really accomplished when I got to the top. Not because I completed it. I've done that hike quite a few times. I was proud that I'd gone alone. I've never done a solo hike. I've always been too scared. I've been letting fear keep me from a lot of things. I'm done with that now.

I'm so glad I went. I'll definitely go again.

All About the Steps

The weather has been absolutely amazing. Summer is coming, and the days have been warm and sunny and vibrant. It makes me want to be outdoors as much as possible.

This morning, I wanted to run. It's been awhile. I had been having trouble with my hip for almost a week. Apparently hiking is magic, and my hip feels great now. Running had to happen. I did my c25k run. It was 25 minutes without walking breaks. I could've gone longer. It felt great. 

I also took the Moon Dog for a walk. We did about 2 miles. He's so happy outside.

This was taken last night while we were chillin' in the backyard enjoying the sunset. Love him.

I'm all about the steps this summer. Now that I can run again, I need to rebuild my cardio and endurance. I've got some long term goals that will need some kind of base. Right now, I'm trying to make sure I get 10,000 steps/day, and on running and hiking days that goal is easy to hit. I'm really looking forward to an active summer. 

Walking.

This past week was super busy. There was limited time for exercise, so I did what I could and was happy with it. I mainly focused on hitting 10,000 steps every day. I got a Fitbit in February, and it has made a huge difference. I'm much more aware of how long I have been sitting, and I have been using it to make sure I get up every hour and move. I feel so much better.

I got in a few strength sessions during the week, too. Lifting is always my favorite. I love how I feel after a good workout. I haven't gotten to run very much, but I'm planning to run tomorrow. Today is TKD day, so my morning workout is usually practicing my pattern and stretching. Last week's class was tough, especially because I did a lot of exercise on Sunday. Yesterday, I did a lot of walking, but nothing too extreme. Hoping class goes better tonight.

This weekend was pretty great. I was a little bummed to miss the last TKD tournament of the season. With everything that has happened in the last few months, I was not able to compete at all this year, and I missed it. I mostly missed the people. Still, I had a great weekend. Celebrated my baby turning 10, which doesn't really seem possible. Then I had an awesome Mother's Day with my whole family. We did a lot of walking. I wanted to check out a place called Red Rocks in Burlington, and my mom, sister, and brother-in-law joined us. It was a beautiful walk and a gorgeous day.

Runner.

This weekend was absolutely gorgeous. I spent most of Saturday working inside, so yesterday my goal was to be outside and active as much as possible. I had a C25K run on my list, but I wanted to wait until the evening when I could run with Andy.

I started with an early morning walk with Moon Dog. I've been feeling a lot more energetic, and our walking pace has gotten a lot faster. I am still blown away at how much better I feel since surgery. I've been so distracted by life and my emotions that I haven't really noticed the change. I used to be completely exhausted by every little thing I had to do during the day. Now, I have so much more time to get things done because I don't have to rest after every little thing.

After my walk, I was feeling energized, so I decided to lift. My gym is my happy place. I started a lifting plan that I have done before and love. Yesterday was upper body. I worked out for over an hour and felt amazing when I was done. I love the feeling after a good strength workout.

Evening came, and we decided to run the hill. The last run was 20 minutes without walking, which went so much better than expected. This one was back to intervals.

I had a great run. I had to break up my middle running interval. I was on the super steep section of the hill, and my calves were screaming. I did push myself to start running again, at least for a bit, when I was still on the incline.

I paused at the top of the hill to take a picture. Everything has come to life in the last few days, and the world is so green. I love this time of year.

I kept running. A little past the halfway point, I turned around. I was psyched. I have been struggling to hit 2 miles. I'd only done it once before, but I knew I would get it this time. I usually do not even reach the top of the hill. I reached it and ran past it. I was still feeling great, and my energy was through the roof.

I was in a groove when my last walking interval came up, and I decided to just keep going. I ran through the last running interval and still felt good. I decided to just run the rest of the way home.

I still cannot wrap my head around how much better I feel. I'm so thrilled to be running without an accelerated heart rate, without horrible foot pain, without complete exhaustion. To be able to keep going, feel good at the end, and wake up pain free and strong the next morning.

I'm grateful to be healthy and able to get out and enjoy a gorgeous day. I'm grateful to be a runner again.

Still Broken, But Getting Better

On March 31st, my dad passed away after a 5 year battle with cancer. I haven't been able to think, let alone find words to express the grief I feel. I'm not sure that there are words to describe it, and if there are, it will take a better writer than me to express it. It's having a giant hole inside of you. It's walking around and looking fine and everything is normal, but nothing is actually normal and you are so far from fine. It's feeling like the world has been turned upside down, shaken, and broken, yet your day-to-day is the same.

It's taken me a month to even get back to all of my usual activities. It took a week for me to leave my house. Every little thing was a monumental effort. Even just picking up my kids from school was too much. Every person I saw was incredibly kind, but I could not talk about it without crying. I still haven't had a day without crying, but I've got it a little more under control now.

 I am so grateful for the people in my life. This whole thing has made me value my relationships a lot more, and unfortunately, it has also shown me a few that I need to let go. But, I am staying focused on the love that people are giving me. It's been absolutely overwhelming.

The last thing I added back into my life was TKD class. My TKD family has been incredibly supportive and understanding, but it took me a while to go back. First because class is in the evenings, and I was so exhausted just from trying to exist that I couldn't get myself to go. Second, because even though I am much more confident in my abilities now, it is still a place where I have to step out of my comfort zone often. I just wasn't ready.

It was so good to go back. It is one of my favorite things. I didn't have to talk about my problems or think about them. I could focus solely on class, and I had the support of all the wonderful people there. I was also pleased to find that missing almost two months of class had not affected me too badly, and I still remembered my pattern. I just felt happy after class. I think it was the first time I've really felt good since all of this began.

For now, I am taking things slow. I am being patient with myself and accepting that I am not always going to be up for training (or some days even leaving the house). I'm doing what I can and knowing that it is enough. My health has become a top priority. I'm a master at making excuses, but that's not happening anymore.

 My dad was always the strongest and bravest man I knew. He taught me how to lift when I was young and would accompany him to the fire station. (He was a firefighter and EMT - see, the BRAVEST man I've known.) It is when my love of lifting truly began. Even after his diagnosis, he walked almost daily, and I am not talking about a mile or so. He walked up to 8 miles. No music, no headphones. He watched the nature around him. He hiked almost until the end. We had some really amazing hikes last fall, and I am so grateful for those memories.

So, that is where I am at today. Still broken, but getting better. Figuring out how to live with this and doing my best to make healthy choices and just feeling grateful for all the good in my life.

Normal.

Two weeks, and life continues.

Still working on getting back to "normal". I've been focusing mainly on improving my health. Exercise, healthy eating, meditation, and sleep. I have not been 100% on all of these every day, but I am trying.

Today was a small victory. I've been doing well with running. I'm still following the c25k program. Hopefully, the podcast will be back soon. Most days I really feel like I need to run. I need to be active. Because I can.*

Last week, Andy and I finished week four. We are officially halfway through the program. Then it started snowing. It's April in Vermont. You never know what you're going to get. I am looking forward to some beautiful spring running, but this is also the kind of snow I love. Today, the air is filled with big, fluffy, white flakes. They melted almost as soon as they hit the ground. It's not very cold. The air is crisp.

There is the wind. It blew steadily into my face for the first half of my run. The pretty snow had turned into something closer to rain but still with the sting of ice. I definitely considered turning back. I started trying to justify it. I could just walk the warm up and then turn back. I could wait until tomorrow. Maybe it won't snow tomorrow. Etc, etc, etc...

I decided to run the first run section and decide after that. I was already out there. It wasn't so bad. The wind would be at my back on the way back to my car. And, of course, I should run "because I can". I completed week five, day one of the c25k program. There was a time when running in rain/snow/wind was usual for me. It's not a big deal, but I've been avoiding it for awhile. I haven't wanted to be uncomfortable. Now, I just want to run, regardless of weather, and I am looking forward to future race training. I'm ready to challenge myself again.

Right now I am enjoying the slow build up to running again. The last two runs have felt much better. There is definitely some improvement.

*Mantra 2018

Appreciation.

Yesterday I was officially cleared for all exercise. I was so excited. I have been running this week and completed the first week of C25K, but I was nervous to lift again. Yesterday I lifted for the first time in about 3 weeks, and it was awesome.

I kept it short. I'm really working hard to ease back into exercising, but it's not easy. I have so much more energy now. I want to do everything!! While I was feeling bad, I had a lot of big, lofty goals that truly seemed impossible. Now, I have energy again and feel amazing. Those big goals don't seem as far away now.

For 2018, though, it is all about the 5ks. Andy and I are enjoying C25K, and it's fun running together. We're planning on doing 3-4 races this summer/fall. I may throw in one 10k. There is a local race that I've done a couple times. I may have to do it again now that I can. It's been a few years since I ran it.

Today is the first TKD tournament of the season. I am not competing. I'm kind of bummed. This is only the second time I have missed one since I started TKD, and it's the first time I've missed this tournament. I had no time to train, so I know this is the right choice. I am going to volunteer to help out instead. My kids are still competing, and I am looking forward to seeing everyone there.

Overall, I am just so thrilled to be able to move and have energy and to be in a good mood. I feel like a different person. I feel the way I used to over 3 years ago, only now I am so much more appreciative.

I Ran.

I feel like a new person. It's strange. After being in a certain mindset for over two years -
I can't run. It hurts. It will take days to recover.  
- Suddenly, I am back to where I was three years ago. I feel good. I can exercise daily, and I feel fine. No pain. No recovery time. I was not prepared for the shift. It's a great problem to have. I am so lucky that this was easily fixed.

On Sunday, I ran.

Andy and I are doing a c25k program to start running again. There will be a podcast about our adventures coming soon. 

So, on Sunday, we started the program. It was a warm up and intervals of walking and running. It was manageable and went so much better than I expected. I really tried to stay active as limited as I was. It helped. My strength is there. My cardio is not as bad as I thought it would be. Best of all, my heart rate did not spike. I did not feel like passing out. I felt good. When I was done, my hips did not hurt. Nothing hurt. I felt fine Monday morning. It seems so normal, but it's been so long since I could run without pain. It's messing with me.

On Monday, I did a little rowing on our new machine. It was fun, but it's going to take some work to get used to it. I only did about 10 minutes. Andy and I went for a walk up the big hill by our house and decided to add in some sprint intervals. I used to love hill sprints. It felt good, but it was definitely hard. I can't wait to do more.

If there is something positive to take from my two year hiatus, it's rediscovering my love for running. I took it for granted before. I focused on the negative. I refused to call myself a runner.
Ridiculous.
I'm coming from a different place now. I appreciated every step. I got teary-eyed thinking about how I could move without pain. I know that as the difficulty increases, I will probably have some bad runs, but I think I will keep the love this time. I'm just so happy to move again.

We're starting out slow and easy. I tend to jump in and try to do too much too soon. This time, I am focused on small goals and enjoying the process. I'm excited to focus strictly on 5ks for a while. I always added distance before, and I am sure I will again. Still, it will be fun to keep it short for a while.

Today is day two of the program. I think I'm going to go up the big hill again.  I'm just so happy to run again.

http://www.picturequotes.com/ill-be-happy-if-running-and-i-can-grow-old-together-quote-442165

Consistency.

Right now, my biggest day-to-day fitness goal is consistency. It's a struggle. I've been doing okay. I really love lifting, and I've been following a good training plan. My biggest struggle with consistency right now is my parathyroid. It's been about two years, and I have some pretty painful days. I did just have some tests done, so hopefully things will move forward soon. 

Until then, I will do what I can. There are some days when walking is my only option. Some days even walking is too much. I've been identifying how my body reacts to different things. Running destroys me. It's such a bummer. I like running. I want to run. I have some big goals that require running. I just have to plan for some serious rest days afterward. Yoga is hit or miss, but it's relaxing. TKD depends on what we do. Jumping is rough. We did lots of jumping in class on Monday, and I can still feel it in my ankles. Walking and lifting are my best options. Lifting actually makes it feel better. I don't know why, but I'm just going to go with it. Walking is the best. I've been trying to get in my Moon Dog miles.

I've been consistent with workouts since Thanksgiving. Lots of lifting. TKD was awesome and totally worth the ankle pain. Post-Thanksgiving workout = cardio and so many push-ups. Loved it. Moon Dog and I have been on some cold winter walks. 

Yesterday I took a complete day off. I needed it. That's the silver lining of this whole thing. I am forced to listen to my body. I am forced to slow down. This is something I have probably needed for a long time. I tend to do too much (in all aspects of my life), and I never take days off. This makes me take full rest days. If I don't pay attention, I end up needing two.

Today, I got in 2 miles with the pooch and lifted. Other than my ankles, things are feeling pretty good! 

Get It Done First

I'm back. Sometimes, I need to take some time and get my head right. This time it took 6 months. I've been active, and I've started working with nutrition coaches. I've been dealing with the issue with my parathyroid. I haven't felt great, but I am pushing myself to be active regardless. Some days it is just a short walk, but I get it done.

Which is why the blog is back. I've been running again. My approach is different this time. Slow progress and different motivators. I have long term goals of course. Big ones that I'm not quite ready to talk about but will in the future. For now, it's baby steps.

My goals right now (for running) are to run 2 times a week (one longer) and to stretch and foam roll after each run. I'm also lifting and doing TKD, so I've got a nice balance going on right now. I feel good. Running is going well. I'm happy with anything and have found a short run that I enjoy.

The mid-week run is the difficult one. My schedule is absolutely nuts right now. This morning I thought about everything I had to do today and thought that I would have to just walk Moo today. While driving the kids to school, I realized I was dressed for running and had my headphones with me. There was no reason not to go run after I dropped them off. Get it done first and nothing can take it away.

I went. It was cold. Everything was covered in frost and shining. It was a perfect November morning.

I can't believe I almost skipped it. I have a lot to do, but I'm glad I took some time for myself. I am a nicer person when I take care of myself, and that has been a big focus over the last six months.

This morning's run was tough. I was sore from lifting, and my legs were stiff. They took a long time to warm up. It was not a great run, but even as I was forcing my feet to go, I was happy to be out there and happy that I took the time.

My favorite so far was my longer run on Saturday. I ended up running 10k, and I felt great. I also recovered quickly, which was surprising to me. I had not planned to go quite that far, but it was a gorgeous day, and I wanted to run. I got to my end point, and it was 5.82. I decided to add on some more and get six. Ended up doing a little more.

It brought back everything I loved about training. Time alone. No other obligations. Fighting through the first 3 miles and then hitting the sweet spot when I feel like I can go forever. I did some walking, especially in the first 3, because my arches were on fire, but I'm still pleased with how it went. It got done. It's a step in the right direction.

So, that's it. I'm doing what I can and enjoying it. Back to documenting it.

Tournament 2 Recap

My body is aching. My heel/ankle is swollen and on ice, and I am sitting here with an overwhelming feeling of contentment and gratitude. I just got home from the second TKD tournament of the season.

I went into this tournament feeling a lot more relaxed than usual. I was trying my weapons pattern for the first time, I was trying my regular pattern for the first time, and I did not plan on sparring. Other than just getting through both patterns, I only had one goal: get my break (with two boards) on the first try. I figured it would go how it would go, and I didn't stress about it. I should do that more often.

Before I get into the nitty-gritty of how I did. I have to, once again, talk about how much I love Taekwondo. The people are fantastic. There is definitely some competition, but everyone is really friendly and supportive. I'm beginning to recognize more and more faces, especially in the ladies division. We have such a good time. There is some competitiveness, but we cheer each other on and celebrate everyone's victories. It's a really awesome group of ladies. The judges are also amazing. I had two of my favorites today, one for weapons and one for ladies division. They truly enjoy it and make it a lot of fun.

I love that people are always trying to outdo themselves. That's the main competition. It's amazing to see what can happen with the adrenaline of competition. The woman who got gold in breaking for our group broke three boards. She told me she had never done more than two, but she just let it flow. Incredible.

I love watching the struggle, too. If it's not difficult, then you're not challenging yourself. All of the ladies stepped it up, and there was some struggles. There were also some awesome successes and some positive "I'll try again next time" attitudes. I love it. I completely understand the struggle. I have never felt like I did really well at a tournament. My nerves get to me every time. I struggle every time. Some days are better than others. Last tournament, I bombed. This one was okay but very, very, VERY far from perfect.

Okay, here's the recap.

I started with my bo staff pattern. I have never competed in weapons, and I just got my new bo staff yesterday. No time to practice, and it is incredibly light compared to what I was practicing with. I was nervous, my hands were sweating, and I was shaky. It didn't go great. I got distracted early on by an audience member saying, "well, I could do that" really loudly. Go for it, lady. All the more power to ya if you can handle the nerves better than I can.

Overall, it was okay. I know what to improve, and I got through it without dropping the bo. Goal achieved. Next time will go better.

I then waited around for a long time and watched my kiddos compete. There were some struggles, but they both stayed positive and took away lessons from their competitions. That's all I ever want for them. They both earned medals and did pretty well. They got to play with friends and make new friends. They had a great time.

I was practicing when they called my group, so I almost missed staging. I sprinted over and didn't have a ton of time to get nervous. Being late might have been a good thing. I decided at the last minute to do sparring, so no time to worry about that either.

Patterns were first, and I was nervous about it. I just learned the end of my pattern on Monday, so I was pretty sure that my brain would freeze up as soon as I started. It didn't go that bad. I got through it and didn't miss a move - although did hesitate for just a second while I tried to remember what came next. I tied for third place, so not too bad. I'll keep working on it and have a little more confidence with it next time.

Breaking. My favorite. There is nothing more satisfying than putting your foot through a board. The ladies have really been ramping up their breaks this year, and I knew I was in for some stiff competition. I also went into it feeling a little concerned. I had just been practicing my break with my instructor and could not break even one board. But, I am stubborn. I decided I would go for two. I did it before. I can do it again, right? My heel already hurts, but it'll be fine, right?

The best thing to do in breaking is not think. Thinking makes me hesitate. I turned off my brain and broke it. First try. Two boards. Goal achieved.

I am pretty hard on myself, but I'm proud of that one. Of course, I have no idea what to do next, but...I'll figure that out Monday.

I ended up getting second because another woman rocked the previously mentioned break with three boards. I will gladly take second to that. It was amazing.

Then it was sparring time. I will openly admit that I am not a fan of sparring. I don't mind it, but I am not good at it. I can't think quickly enough in a situation like that. I don't even know what I do when I go out there.

I hadn't planned on sparring today. I didn't want to stress about it as well as stressing about the weapons pattern. I decided last minute to do it, and as usual, I'm glad I did. The women in our group are so much fun. We don't go out to destroy each other. We cheer each other on. It's actually pretty fun. Since I hadn't been stressing about it, I really enjoyed it. I went up twice and had good, fairly even matches. The scores went back and forth almost every point. It was a lot of fun. I ended up getting third place, which I was surprised by and very happy about. Overall, a good day.

This post is turning into a novel, but I have to talk about one more thing. During the opening meeting, we watched a woman be promoted to 9th Dan Black Belt - the highest you can go. I got teary eyed watching her receive her plaque. It was incredible to think about the time and dedication she had put into it, and it was really inspiring.

It made me think about how long I want to keep practicing. I usually take TKD day-by-day, week-by-week, tournament-by tournament. I've always assumed I will continue until I get my black belt, but I'd never thought about what happens after that. I think I'm in. I think I am going to continue until I can't. I love it. The people, the process, the challenges, all of it. By far one of my best decisions.

Not Taking A Break Yet

I've been really achy for the last week, and I didn't end up exercising as much as I had planned. I've been feeling really run down, and my feet have been bothering me. That combined with a super busy weekend and nothing gets accomplished.

Yesterday was absolutely gorgeous and warm, so I took the Moon Dog for a walk. I also went out into the backyard and practiced my bo staff pattern. It was fun to practice outside in the sunshine. I went to TKD class last night. It was a great class, but I was definitely not feeling 100%.

There's a tournament this weekend. I was planning on taking a break and not competing in this one, but my weapons instructor wants me to do my bo staff pattern. So, I'm trying something new this weekend. Never done a weapons pattern before. It should be interesting. I may also try to do my new pattern. I just learned the rest of it last night, so it will be what it will be. Might as well try it, though. Why not?

I'm planning on doing my break. My goal for it is to get it first try. I've got two more tournaments to get it. So far, I got it first try in practice, it took two tries in the tournament, and three tries at testing. My nerves make everything so much more difficult.

If I'm feeling the way I have been for the last few days, I will probably skip sparring this time. My ankles are bothering me, and I can't imagine sparring right now.

So, this week the focus is on TKD completely. Today I worked on my patterns and my break. I'm feeling really sore and run down from last night's class, so I didn't do a ton of practicing. I'm hoping I'll feel better and can do more in the next couple days.

I followed my workout up with some yoga and gentle stretching. I've got a couple tight muscles that will hopefully loosen up a little bit before Saturday.

I'm excited for the tournament. The people are great, and it's a really fun day. Both kiddos are competing, too. They're excited, and I know we'll have a good time.

Determined To Run Again

Tonight was a perfect night for a run. Sunny, 40s - my ideal running conditions. I've been wanting to start running again, but I've been nervous to get started. Until now, I've been running intervals on my road while the Bean scootered beside me. It was a nice way to ease back into running, but it wasn't the same.

I needed some me time. Lately, I've been feeling a little overwhelmed. It seems that everywhere I turn, someone needs something from me, and they need it ASAP. It's exhausting and has been messing with my head. Today, I felt good physically, and the weather was ideal. I knew I had to go.

It went pretty well. I walked less than I expected I would. I tried to only walk when the pain in my feet and shins got unbearable. I only had to walk three times in almost 3 miles. I'm pretty happy with that. My pace was the best it has been in almost a year. The first thing I struggled with when I started feeling sick was running. I went from being able to comfortably run 6 miles to not being able to run at all. Three miles feels like a major accomplishment. It gives me hope that things are getting better.

I was convinced for a while that I was done running. I tried to tell myself that I was okay with that, but I really wasn't. There is nothing quite like running. I love the way I feel (minus the pain). I love how I feel after. I love the energy boost I get from running. I missed it. As the weather began getting nicer, I missed it even more.

One run down. I am so happy about that. For now, I am going to take things slow. I want to continue my almost daily intervals runs with the Bean, and I would like to add in one run on the weekends. That's enough for now. I'll take it.

Patterns and Priorities

This past week I have been focusing on my patterns. I know I have a long way to go before black belt testing, but the patterns keep getting harder. I do not ever want to blank out during a testing again. I also really enjoy patterns. It's a definite workout, but it's also relaxing, almost meditative.

TKD made my day yesterday. I thought about going into detail, but I'm sure no one wants to read a rant about my stress and frustration. There's no need to give it more energy than it deserves. Let's just say that yesterday sucked for so many reasons, and I was looking forward to going to class.

It was a good class, obstacle courses and a great cardio workout. We also started our new pattern, and I love it. I've been waiting for this one since my daughter did it, and I learned the first half yesterday. I'm going to add it to my (almost) daily pattern practice. We're in the middle of tournament season. I don't know if I will be ready to compete with it, but I am hoping I will be able to try it at the May tournament.

I also worked some more on my weapons pattern. I absolutely love the bo staff. It's one of those things that just clicked immediately. I really love my pattern so far and have been practicing it daily. I added more to it last night, and it is so much fun. Challenging, but fun, which is exactly what I need.

More and more I am enjoying the process of Taekwondo. It's the first time I have truly been able to internalize the idea of "your only competition is yourself." I've set some goals for myself that have nothing to do with tournaments or medals, and I am slowly chipping away at them. It's nice to see the small improvements and be able to celebrate them because I am not comparing myself to someone else.

In addition to TKD, I have been lifting this week. I also did a small run on Sunday. I have been craving a run, but the pain it causes has been a deterrent. Sunday was absolutely gorgeous. Perfect running weather. I picked a stretch of our road that went slightly uphill and ran it 7 times. The Bean rode her scooter beside me and pushed me to do more. She's a good trainer. I ended up doing about 3/4 of a mile, which seems like nothing when I think back to my 22 mile long run days, but I am at a different place right now with different challenges. I was happy just to run.

There was definitely some pain after. That's not something that's going to go away soon (or maybe ever). My goal for the summer is to find some new cardio options. I love running, but it does not love me. I don't think I'll ever be able to give it up completely, but unless something changes drastically, I have to have other options.

Today is leg day. So the plan is lifting, patterns, and another set of running intervals with The Bean later. I've been making an effort to make my workouts a priority. It takes an hour (or so) a day and improves my life immensely. When facing massive amounts of stress, the first thing to go is anything that I do for myself. This is not a healthy practice, and it needs to stop. I'm a better wife, mother, employee, and person when I take care of myself. Another lesson that I am slowly learning.

What are you doing today to be active? Do you make yourself a priority in your life?

Struggling and Learning

It's been about 2 months since I've posted. I took a break. A much needed one.

I've been really struggling with exercise for a while. I've got a few medical issues that are taking forever to resolve, and I've been limited. I constantly feel run down, and my bones (especially my feet and hands) have been aching. Running became unbearable, I had to find other forms of exercise. It took a toll on me physically and emotionally. It's difficult to stay positive when you feel so crappy. I've been feeling like I am failing, and writing about it was making me feel worse.

It all got a little overwhelming, so I took a break from blogging and focused on taking care of myself. I got into a good, consistent program of lifting and practicing TKD. I was feeling stronger and more confident. Then life started getting more hectic, and I let it affect my routine. I stopped making exercise a priority. I stopped making me a priority. It's frightening how easy it is to slip to the bottom of your list.

I'm still struggling, but I am really trying to stay positive and find the good in the struggle. I recently went to the first TKD tournament of the year, and it did not go well. I felt off and just didn't do very well. I took two tries to break my boards, which I had been getting on the first try. I was frustrated, but on the bright side, I did break two boards for the first time. I also enjoyed being with the other women in our division. It's a fun and supportive group of great ladies, and everyone at the tournament is very positive and inspiring.

I decided to work harder and improve my break. Next tournament my goal is to get it first try. Two boards. I'm also back to daily meditation and trying to get control over my thoughts. My nerves are my biggest adversary. I need to get out of my head.

The TKD struggles continue. Yesterday was testing, and I felt terrible. I was nauseous, overheating, and dizzy, but I wasn't going to miss it. I worked hard and was really looking forward to getting my new belt.

I got it, but it was a major struggle. I blanked out and completely forgot every pattern except the very first and my current one. I'm not sure what I was doing out there, but it was not pretty. I struggled with moves that I have gotten gold medals for in the past. I got my belt but felt pretty disappointed with myself.

Today's a new day. I really enjoy TKD, and I am not going to quit after a couple of embarrassing mess ups. Part of my workout today was to go through all of my patterns - over and over and over again. I was happy that they are still somewhere in my brain. I guess they took a vacation last night.

I also practiced the beginning of my bo staff pattern. I've only been working on it for a little while, but I love it. I feel comfortable with a bo staff, and it combines everything I like about patterns with a little more creativity/individuality. So much fun.

So, I'm back to blogging. I may not be in a great place, and I may feel like I am struggling, but I'm not done trying. I'm going to keep learning, and hopefully, improving.

Lifting Is Happiness

It's been a week since I posted. A long, emotional week. I've been focused on kindness, gratitude, and love. The world needs more of it, and I'm really trying to stay positive. I'm still not feeling great, but I'm trying not to think about it. It is what it is and thinking about it just makes me feel worse.

I'm accepting my limitations and doing what I can. My main goal right now is to stay active. Last week was rough. I had several days of just walking with the Moon Dog. I have been on an exercise streak since Saturday, so things are going better.

Saturday's workout:

single leg dead lifts 15#db  8reps/side x2
standing rows w/ exercise band 15 reps x2

biceps curls/ overhead press 15#db  8 reps x2
standing chest press w/ band 15 reps x2

overhead triceps extension 15#db  15 reps x2
standing chest fly w/ band 15 reps x2

hammer curls/lateral raises 5#db 15 reps x2
triangle push ups 10 reps x2


Sunday's workouts

superman lifts 1:00 minute x2
1 arm push ups on floor 5 regular/5 modified per side  x2

plank (high/forearm) 1:00  x2
swimming 1:00  x2

twisting supermans 1:00  x2
serratus sway 1:00  x2

double bicycles 1:00  x2
serratus twists 1:00  x2

*Plus a Run/walk with the Artists (aka my favorite running buddy) 2 miles


Monday's workouts

I did a longer walk with the Moon Dog yesterday. It was a gorgeous day, and it was nice to clear my head on a very stressful day.
I also had TKD last night. I have to admit, I wasn't feeling it before class. I was tired and stressed out and not feeling very good. Getting out the door was a struggle, but I made myself go. I hate missing class, and I knew I would feel better if I went. It ended up being really great. The whole class was on nunchucks, and it was so fun. I felt 1000 times better after class.

Tuesday's workout

squats 115# 8 reps
alternating turning kicks 40 reps
squats 135# 8 reps
back kicks 10 reps/side

plie squats 115# 8 reps
hook kicks 10 reps/side
plie squats 135# 8 reps
360 hook kicks 12 reps/side (right side was okay but left was a struggle - did not go well)

lunges 115# 6 reps/side
side kicks 10 reps/side
lunges 135# 8 reps/side
punches 100 reps

Won Hyo x6

I love lifting. It makes me feel strong even when I struggle, and it makes me happy. I'm definitely focusing on what makes me happy right now, so lifting is a big part of the plan.