Birthday.

Today is a special day. Not only is it my birthday, but today I get my life back. I am one day post-surgery, and even though I am still recovering, I already feel so much better than I have for the last two years. I even went for a short walk this morning. The weather is gorgeous, and I have energy for the first time what feels like forever.
I really didn't think this would work. Everything I read was positive and said that things would improve quickly. It all seemed too good to be true. The last couple years have been tough. I went from being able to run and hike and do anything I wanted to having heart palpitations at the very beginning of exercise (or sometimes just climbing stairs), having no energy, painful feet, hands, and joints, and just not caring about anything. It felt like I was dragging myself through the days. It made it difficult to do anything or interact with anyone. I just wanted to stay home and hide. The last two or three months were the worst. I didn't really talk about it. Everyone has problems. We're all fighting battles that no one else can see.
It has, however, been a gift. It forced me to slow down. I had to reexamine my life and my priorities and ask myself what really mattered. It forced me to do less. I've always had a problem with taking on too many things - out of guilt and an inability to ever say no. I was trying to prove something. I'm still not sure what. I had to learn to say no, to admit when I was overwhelmed, and to let go of things that were not good for me. I've had to take a long look at myself and discover what needs work and what needed to be removed entirely. I've learned to be more sympathetic. When you have something that is hard to explain and invisible to others, it can be difficult. People are not always kind, and if you look healthy, they assume you are.
I've struggled to stay active throughout. I knew it was essential to my well-being, physically and emotionally. It has not been easy. I went from having run a marathon to not being able to walk a mile without pain and struggle. It's demoralizing. I started each TKD class feeling like I was going to pass out but being too ashamed to admit I was struggling. I've missed a lot of classes lately just because I was too exhausted to go. It would take 4-5 days for me to recover. I hated feeling so bad, but I pushed on. Because I can't sit around and do nothing. It's not who I am.
I think my biggest take-away from this is kindness. Spread that shit around because you have no idea who needs it. On some of my really bad days, a simple remark could make things better. I recently finished a musical at the high school and received a card from the kids that made me cry. They'll never have any idea how much I needed their kind words.
While I can see the benefits of this struggle, I am glad to be moving on. I have lots of plans and am finally feeling like they are possible. Best birthday present I could ever receive.

Mindful.

It's February. In the past, when I made New Years resolutions, I would have failed by now. 

For a while, I stopped making resolutions. I had a lot of reasons, but if I'm honest, it was because if I didn't make them, I could not fail.

Lately, I have been more interested in making small changes and being consistent while also keeping my goals manageable. I decided instead of big new years resolutions, I would set monthly goals. I also took a different approach and decided to make most of the goals something that adds positively to my life. I'm not taking anything away, but I am adding something that makes me feel good. When I feel good, I make better choices overall.

January's was a meditation streak. I had to meditate every day for the whole month. The time could fluctuate, but I had to do some kind of meditation every day. I had been using the Head Space app off and on, and I decided to utilize it for this goal. Most days I did 10 minute meditations. I completed a 30 day anxiety package. It became a part of my daily routine, and I found myself wanting to do it. I needed my 10 minutes of peace. I even continued my streak through some stressful events and handled them with a much cooler head.

This is exactly what I was hoping for. I have continued my streak. I am on Day #46, and I don't see it ending any time soon. Mini goals work.

Blue.

As I said in the last post, not much is going on right now. I'm waiting. Most days I am happy to get in a workout.

There was one big accomplishment, but again, it involved waiting. I am working on my patience right now, but I struggled with this one.

It started back before Christmas. I was directing a big holiday production, and I was getting ready for my blue belt testing. I was also super stressed and not sleeping. I got sick. I'm not talking about some minor thing. I got very, very sick and missed not only tech rehearsal for my show, but also blue belt testing. I am very lucky to have an understanding instructor who agreed to let me test some time after the new year.

I was so nervous doing everything alone, but it went pretty well. I did a good foot break (one I will use for tournaments), and I did a hand break that I had never done before. I've honestly not done a hand break in testings or tournaments, so I was pretty pumped.

So, now I'm a blue belt, and this one means more than any of the others. I feel like I finally have some confidence in my abilities, and I have started putting more effort toward improving specific skills. I feel like I worked hard for this one, and I am so excited to move forward from here. I really like the blue belt patterns, and I am looking forward to working on them.

I have a little more time to learn my pattern before tournaments. Unfortunately, my surgery is pretty close to the first tournament, and I will not be able to compete. I'm hoping to volunteer, and I'll get to watch my kiddos compete. I'll miss competing, but my health is more important. It will be kind of nice to get to enjoy the day and not stress about it.

So, that's my big accomplishment so far. Nice way to start off 2018. Can't wait to feel better and train more.

Hopeful.

I had to laugh at the title of the last post - Consistency. Written over two months ago.

I have not been consistent with writing the blog. I have, however, been working on consistency in other areas. I have been following a lifting plan for about a month, and I am on day #39 of a meditation streak.

But, back to the blog. I have not been consistent. Why? Honestly, because there hasn't been much to write about. I have been struggling with my health for a couple years. Some of this I have already written about, so I'll spare you the details and talk about where I am at now.

I finally, after 2+ years of appointments and disappointment, have a date for surgery. It's a super simple procedure, and it should completely cure the hyperparathyroidism. No more daily pain. No more exhaustion. No more racing heart. No more mood swings or memory loss (or at least less). I could start running again.

It's been a long time. I have pretty much accepted where I am, but I don't like it. I don't like feeling limited. I don't like feeling awful every day. To have this all go away would be amazing. I am hopeful.

And, if it works, I am going to (as my husband put it) "go exercise crazy."

For now, I am doing as much as I can. My focus has been on lifting. It keeps my bones strong, and I can usually do it. Honestly, my feet hurt a lot most days. Walking makes it worse. Running is out of the question. Lifting usually works, and I love it. I have been solidly consistent with my program. Progress is slow, but it's there.

I have also continued to do TKD. I won't lie. It hurts. I have a very long recovery period now, and I am usually wrecked for a couple days after class. I've stuck with it because I really enjoy it. It gives me a lot of satisfaction, and I feel proud of my accomplishments, even the small ones.

So, that's where I'm at right now. I'm hopeful that in another month, I will be out doing more and writing more.