Still Broken, But Getting Better

On March 31st, my dad passed away after a 5 year battle with cancer. I haven't been able to think, let alone find words to express the grief I feel. I'm not sure that there are words to describe it, and if there are, it will take a better writer than me to express it. It's having a giant hole inside of you. It's walking around and looking fine and everything is normal, but nothing is actually normal and you are so far from fine. It's feeling like the world has been turned upside down, shaken, and broken, yet your day-to-day is the same.

It's taken me a month to even get back to all of my usual activities. It took a week for me to leave my house. Every little thing was a monumental effort. Even just picking up my kids from school was too much. Every person I saw was incredibly kind, but I could not talk about it without crying. I still haven't had a day without crying, but I've got it a little more under control now.

 I am so grateful for the people in my life. This whole thing has made me value my relationships a lot more, and unfortunately, it has also shown me a few that I need to let go. But, I am staying focused on the love that people are giving me. It's been absolutely overwhelming.

The last thing I added back into my life was TKD class. My TKD family has been incredibly supportive and understanding, but it took me a while to go back. First because class is in the evenings, and I was so exhausted just from trying to exist that I couldn't get myself to go. Second, because even though I am much more confident in my abilities now, it is still a place where I have to step out of my comfort zone often. I just wasn't ready.

It was so good to go back. It is one of my favorite things. I didn't have to talk about my problems or think about them. I could focus solely on class, and I had the support of all the wonderful people there. I was also pleased to find that missing almost two months of class had not affected me too badly, and I still remembered my pattern. I just felt happy after class. I think it was the first time I've really felt good since all of this began.

For now, I am taking things slow. I am being patient with myself and accepting that I am not always going to be up for training (or some days even leaving the house). I'm doing what I can and knowing that it is enough. My health has become a top priority. I'm a master at making excuses, but that's not happening anymore.

 My dad was always the strongest and bravest man I knew. He taught me how to lift when I was young and would accompany him to the fire station. (He was a firefighter and EMT - see, the BRAVEST man I've known.) It is when my love of lifting truly began. Even after his diagnosis, he walked almost daily, and I am not talking about a mile or so. He walked up to 8 miles. No music, no headphones. He watched the nature around him. He hiked almost until the end. We had some really amazing hikes last fall, and I am so grateful for those memories.

So, that is where I am at today. Still broken, but getting better. Figuring out how to live with this and doing my best to make healthy choices and just feeling grateful for all the good in my life.

Thankful and Healing

Things I'm thankful for today:

#1 I am not in any pain for the first time in a year. Honestly, I've gotten so used to being uncomfortable that it kind of freaked me out. 

#2 Physical Therapy. I love it. I've been going for the last few weeks to fix a problem with my shoulder. It was causing constant, painful headaches for about 6 months. Today, I have no headache. It's pretty amazing. My PT also told me that my ankle is strained tendons and nothing more serious. Very happy about that.

#3 Taking a long walk in the sunshine with my Moon Dog. It has been warm and sunny for two days now, and I am loving it. Went for a 3 mile walk with the pooch this morning, and it was pain free! Amazing. 

So, the last few weeks have been pretty rough. I was in a lot of pain and feeling pretty run down. My body felt like a 90 year old (or how I imagine it feels, anyway). I've been trying to exercise while also resting both my ankle and my shoulder. I'm trying to focus on letting my body repair. The final tournament of the season was last weekend, and I can finally relax a little and focus on feeling better. I have to admit, I have been pushing myself even though I should have been resting. 

I've been careful with my eating and with my movement. I have been doing everything I need to do to combat my medical issues and staying well hydrated. I feel better. Not 100%, but so much better than before. I already feel so much better.

I've also been trying to stay positive and calm. I've been meditating regularly. I usually follow my own plan, but it's seemed like too much work lately. I don't want to have to think about it, so I found a guided meditation app that looked like what I was looking for. I wanted something simple and something that would keep me consistent. It's called Headspace, and they offer 10 days of 10 minute meditations for free. I just completed day 10 (admittedly it took me more than 10 days - life doesn't always cooperate). It's great. It's simple and consistent, and I don't have to think about it (or anything else). The subscription fee is really low, and I plan on subscribing and getting even more meditation packs. The calm I feel is totally worth it. 

So, that's it. Nothing too exciting. It's been a week of healing. Exactly what I needed.