Why Not?

Why not?

This was my mantra a long time ago. When I ran a marathon and wrote numerous books and believed that I could achieve anything I set my mind to.

Then I got completely derailed by life. The last three years have been hard. This year has been the hardest. Sometimes it takes complete destruction to finally start to grow again. Like a forest fire that leaves everything charred but provides the means for new life to grow.

It's been a long year. I secluded myself for most of it. It gave me time to think and realize what is important and what never mattered. I think people spend too much time on stuff that just doesn't matter in the long term. I know I did, and I'm trying to be better about it now.

I've set some big goals. Big, scary goals. Because why not? I used to love big, scary goals. They pushed me to grow. I need more of that in my life. The hardest part is starting slow and recognizing where I am. It's been three years of little movement and lots of emotional eating. My brain wants to do things that my body is not ready for - not yet.

Luckily, I turned to lifting to get me through the last few years. I am stronger than I was before. For awhile it was all I could do. Now, it is the thing that always gets me back on track.

I had been doing pretty well for the last month. Feeling more like myself. I ran a few times. The longest one was 5.3 miles on an absolutely perfect fall day. The sun was shining. It was cool, but not too cold. The leaves were at the peak of their autumnal beauty. I was running on a section of road that is lined with big, old trees. Their leaves were bright yellow, and as I ran through, a little breeze picked up and created a cyclone of yellow leaves. As they danced around me, I kept thinking that this is why I run. For the beautiful moments that I could never experience if I stayed home. This is what's been missing for the last few years.

I was having a much better time at TKD as well. I started getting sick not long after I started TKD. I didn't know what was wrong with me for a long time, but it became difficult to do most of the movements. As much as I loved it, classes were a struggle. Then after surgery, when I was just beginning to feel like my old self, my dad passed away, and life went into a tailspin. I took a 6 month break from TKD. I had a lot of doubts. I wasn't sure I wanted to continue, but there was something in the back of my mind that told me to go back and try again - really try. Because for the first time I could actually give it 100%. One class. Give it my all. Don't let my head get in the way. Just go and see what happens. I told myself I could not go back if I chose, but I had to do one class.

I had the best class I had ever had. I felt good and strong. I was so worried it would be like before, but I had healed (at least physically). I wasn't limited anymore. It was incredibly freeing. I cried the whole way home. I have no doubt in my mind now that I will become a black belt. I am 100% dedicated to TKD now. The people are amazing and have become like family. I get to spend time with one of my best friends, and another friend has just joined class, too. I want to surround myself with inspiring people, and my TKD family are some of the best.

When everything is good, and I am focused things go very well. It's dealing with the setbacks that has always been the problem. There is a fine line between giving yourself time to rest and recover and sinking too deep into darkness. That's my biggest struggle. I always eventually pick myself back up and get back on track, and if I can do it this year, I can do it whenever. If nothing else, I've grown in that way during this miserable year.

The past week has not been a good one. I've gotten to the point in my grief where I am mostly okay most days. This last week has made up for it, though. It's been a rough one. On top of that, I slipped a rib and was in a lot of pain for a few days. I took time off from exercise to let it heal - which is already a smarter choice than what I used to do. But, it meant missing TKD and then I kind of settled into a week of inaction.

 I had the intention to be active and get myself out of this funk, but days passed, and I just couldn't decide what I felt like doing. When I am in that head space I can talk myself out of anything. I was looking through various workouts and found a simple one that was a test for 1RM back squat. I haven't tested my squat in a very long time, and I have been lifting quite a bit. I'm almost always up for squatting, so I decided to do it.

As always, my head is my biggest deterrent. Fixing my mindset has become one of my biggest goals, and I am seeing a little improvement. Still, that nagging little voice is always there. Doubting my abilities. I've been squatting fairly conservatively. My old PR for back squat was 150#, but I really thought I could do more. I'd been letting fear control me and had stuck to a max of 95# for my workouts. I started there and built up the weight. When I loaded the bar with my big 45# plates, the voice began. They looked huge. They looked heavy. Doubts began to swirl. But, I did it. 135# - no problem. It felt easy. 145 - easy. 155 - easy (and a new PR). Doubt started to fade. I started to feel good again. In the end, my new PR is 175#. I wonder if I could have done more if I started at a higher weight, but it was where I needed to start. I'm very, very happy with my new PR. Best of all, my confidence is back, and I am feeling ready for this week and to get some work done.

I'm focused on small actions that if done daily will help me build up to my massive long-term goals. One of them was to blog again. I was struggling to write before this year, and since my dad's passing, I haven't been able to write a word. It's slowly coming back. So slowly. Writing a blog post has been a goal for weeks. Today, I finally felt like I had something to say. It ended up being quite a bit. If you've made it through this much, thank you. I hope being honest about my struggles can help someone else, even if just to show that they're not alone. I felt alone for awhile, but more and more I am realizing that we are all much more similar than we are different.

I'm looking forward to ending 2018 on a better note and have high hopes for 2019. Time to live life again. Why not?  We only get one. I better make it count.