Why Not?

Why not?

This was my mantra a long time ago. When I ran a marathon and wrote numerous books and believed that I could achieve anything I set my mind to.

Then I got completely derailed by life. The last three years have been hard. This year has been the hardest. Sometimes it takes complete destruction to finally start to grow again. Like a forest fire that leaves everything charred but provides the means for new life to grow.

It's been a long year. I secluded myself for most of it. It gave me time to think and realize what is important and what never mattered. I think people spend too much time on stuff that just doesn't matter in the long term. I know I did, and I'm trying to be better about it now.

I've set some big goals. Big, scary goals. Because why not? I used to love big, scary goals. They pushed me to grow. I need more of that in my life. The hardest part is starting slow and recognizing where I am. It's been three years of little movement and lots of emotional eating. My brain wants to do things that my body is not ready for - not yet.

Luckily, I turned to lifting to get me through the last few years. I am stronger than I was before. For awhile it was all I could do. Now, it is the thing that always gets me back on track.

I had been doing pretty well for the last month. Feeling more like myself. I ran a few times. The longest one was 5.3 miles on an absolutely perfect fall day. The sun was shining. It was cool, but not too cold. The leaves were at the peak of their autumnal beauty. I was running on a section of road that is lined with big, old trees. Their leaves were bright yellow, and as I ran through, a little breeze picked up and created a cyclone of yellow leaves. As they danced around me, I kept thinking that this is why I run. For the beautiful moments that I could never experience if I stayed home. This is what's been missing for the last few years.

I was having a much better time at TKD as well. I started getting sick not long after I started TKD. I didn't know what was wrong with me for a long time, but it became difficult to do most of the movements. As much as I loved it, classes were a struggle. Then after surgery, when I was just beginning to feel like my old self, my dad passed away, and life went into a tailspin. I took a 6 month break from TKD. I had a lot of doubts. I wasn't sure I wanted to continue, but there was something in the back of my mind that told me to go back and try again - really try. Because for the first time I could actually give it 100%. One class. Give it my all. Don't let my head get in the way. Just go and see what happens. I told myself I could not go back if I chose, but I had to do one class.

I had the best class I had ever had. I felt good and strong. I was so worried it would be like before, but I had healed (at least physically). I wasn't limited anymore. It was incredibly freeing. I cried the whole way home. I have no doubt in my mind now that I will become a black belt. I am 100% dedicated to TKD now. The people are amazing and have become like family. I get to spend time with one of my best friends, and another friend has just joined class, too. I want to surround myself with inspiring people, and my TKD family are some of the best.

When everything is good, and I am focused things go very well. It's dealing with the setbacks that has always been the problem. There is a fine line between giving yourself time to rest and recover and sinking too deep into darkness. That's my biggest struggle. I always eventually pick myself back up and get back on track, and if I can do it this year, I can do it whenever. If nothing else, I've grown in that way during this miserable year.

The past week has not been a good one. I've gotten to the point in my grief where I am mostly okay most days. This last week has made up for it, though. It's been a rough one. On top of that, I slipped a rib and was in a lot of pain for a few days. I took time off from exercise to let it heal - which is already a smarter choice than what I used to do. But, it meant missing TKD and then I kind of settled into a week of inaction.

 I had the intention to be active and get myself out of this funk, but days passed, and I just couldn't decide what I felt like doing. When I am in that head space I can talk myself out of anything. I was looking through various workouts and found a simple one that was a test for 1RM back squat. I haven't tested my squat in a very long time, and I have been lifting quite a bit. I'm almost always up for squatting, so I decided to do it.

As always, my head is my biggest deterrent. Fixing my mindset has become one of my biggest goals, and I am seeing a little improvement. Still, that nagging little voice is always there. Doubting my abilities. I've been squatting fairly conservatively. My old PR for back squat was 150#, but I really thought I could do more. I'd been letting fear control me and had stuck to a max of 95# for my workouts. I started there and built up the weight. When I loaded the bar with my big 45# plates, the voice began. They looked huge. They looked heavy. Doubts began to swirl. But, I did it. 135# - no problem. It felt easy. 145 - easy. 155 - easy (and a new PR). Doubt started to fade. I started to feel good again. In the end, my new PR is 175#. I wonder if I could have done more if I started at a higher weight, but it was where I needed to start. I'm very, very happy with my new PR. Best of all, my confidence is back, and I am feeling ready for this week and to get some work done.

I'm focused on small actions that if done daily will help me build up to my massive long-term goals. One of them was to blog again. I was struggling to write before this year, and since my dad's passing, I haven't been able to write a word. It's slowly coming back. So slowly. Writing a blog post has been a goal for weeks. Today, I finally felt like I had something to say. It ended up being quite a bit. If you've made it through this much, thank you. I hope being honest about my struggles can help someone else, even if just to show that they're not alone. I felt alone for awhile, but more and more I am realizing that we are all much more similar than we are different.

I'm looking forward to ending 2018 on a better note and have high hopes for 2019. Time to live life again. Why not?  We only get one. I better make it count.

Running and Hiking

Last week was a super low mileage week. It was hot. I spent a lot of time in the pool and not running or hiking or even walking. It was way too hot for the Moon Dog, so I didn't even get those miles. Now that the heat is a little more tolerable, I wanted to get in some more miles.

Sunday I went for a run. It was a beautiful morning, and I did about 3 miles. It felt good. I zoned out and just enjoyed the nature around me. I remembered to stretch after, which is something I forget regularly. I've been trying to be better about it. My foot has been bothering me a little, and I know it's because my legs are tight.

Today I went for a hike with a friend. The trail we wanted to do was blocked by road work, so we went to Devil's Gulch. I haven't been on that trail in a few years. It's a really nice hike. Mostly downhill on the way out. We ended up going out to a pond instead of the gulch, and we took a different trail out to avoid going up the stone stairs. They are brutal even on the way down.

It's summer in Vermont, so there were a bunch of deer flies on our way back. Even so, it was an awesome hike. I am so happy I can be active again. I missed it so much.

There's the pond!

Leg Day and Patterns.

Happy 4th!

We decided today would be a day for home improvements and chilling in the pool. I really wanted to do a long lifting workout. I haven't done a good leg day workout in a while, so I decided on lower body lifts with pattern practice in between sets.

It was such a good workout. I love leg day, and I really enjoy patterns. I haven't done any TKD in a long time. Now classes are on summer break, and I do not want to fall behind. I remembered them better than I expected to, but it was easy to spot the ones that need the most work. I did Do San more than the rest. It is my weakest pattern. I don't know why. It just won't stick.

Now it's time for a pool workout with the kiddos. I love summer!

Slowly but Surely.

Last week was a crazy week. My last real workout was my long run on June 23rd. 

Yeah... it's been a while.

I was very active last week. I spent days working with 10-15 year olds at my summer theatre camp. No downtime during camp week. There's barely time to eat! 

I spent the evenings in the pool with my kiddos. We've been doing our "water workouts" which usually consist of running or swimming around the pool to create a whirlpool. Then we try to swim against the current. It is so much fun. 

I spent some time working on my breathing. I really want to get better at swimming. I can swim forever, but I can't crawl or breathe. I held onto the edge and put my face in the water. I tried to practice turning my head and breathing without lifting my face out of the water. It didn't go super well, but there was some improvement near the end. I would like to go swimming somewhere this week and try to put it all together. The only way I'll get better is if I practice. 

It's been super hot (for Vermont) and humid this week. Today was slightly better, and I decided to squeeze in some exercise. I took Moon Dog for a very short walk. It's still way too hot for big, black puppies to be out for very long. He was happy to get outside, though, and we stayed in the shady spots. 

I wanted to do more, but I had very little time. I decided to do terminators. Now, back on June 14th I wrote about my first round of terminators, and I said I would be doing them weekly and timing myself to see if I improved. Ha! 

It's been a few weeks since then. Oh well. Try, try again. Let's see if I can start doing them weekly. It may or may not happen, but I'll at least do them occasionally and see how I am doing. 

I wasn't sure how they would go this time. It's still hot out, and there is no AC in my gym. I wasn't expecting to do very well. 

I got it done. It wasn't pretty, and it wasn't fast, but I did all 165 reps. I beat my first time. By a lot. The first try I took breaks, but I needed breaks. I was breathing heard, and my heart was racing. This time my breaks were a lot shorter. I'd pause for an extra breath or two and then keep going. When I started feeling sick a few years ago, I stopped pushing, and I think gaining this back has been one of the best things about having the surgery. I can push through more and withstand more. I'm starting to feel strong again. It's a major confidence booster and something I needed very much.

My first time was 8:47. Today 6:48. Almost two minutes faster. And it felt better, too. I'm making improvements. Slowly but surely.

First Long Run In A Long Time

Today was my first long run in a long, long time. It was 5 miles, which doesn't seem like much compared to where I was before, but this has been my biggest lesson since I started running again. I cannot compare myself now to who I was then. They're two totally different people.

All I can do is try to improve from where I am now. I've had a pretty good week. I've done some heavier lifting, which I love and haven't done in a while.

I've also been running. My summer goal is to run more and be more consistent. I found a plan that I like that also includes lifting. I was going to start it in July because this month has been all about home improvement projects, and I have to teach theatre camp next week.

I realized yesterday that, without meaning to, I have already been following the plan. I did an upper body workout and then took two rest days. There was only one in the plan, but that's okay. I did an awesome morning run, which was my fastest in a long time. It was supposed to be a tempo run, so that works. Yesterday was an easy run, which I did when I ran with my girl. She has just started the c25k app, so it was a nice, easy interval workout.

Today was my long run. Honestly, the first three miles sucked. My feet were cramping, and my calves were really tight. I did a lot of walk/run intervals and walked more than I wanted. I almost quit a couple of times. It switched to a mental training day, but I managed to push through. My legs finally loosened up around mile three, and the last two miles felt pretty good.

The first hill almost made me quit.

It was such a beautiful morning, and I am so glad that I pushed on for the whole 5 miles. First long run is complete, and I can only get better from here!

Father's Day Hike

Yesterday my whole family went on an awesome hike up Burnt Mountain. We said our last goodbyes to Dad on his favorite mountain, rocked out to some of his favorite songs, and toasted him with his favorite beer. He would have loved it.

My dad taught me a lot of things. Too many to list. He was the one who first introduced me to weight lifting. He taught me to appreciate being alone in the wilderness. We shared some really great hikes together. He is at the root of a lot of my favorite things. I miss him so much. I'm really glad we could celebrate him in such a perfect way. It was a beautiful day and a wonderful time with family.

I love these people so much.

Photos by Dori Baker & Dave Boucher

A Good Sweat.

Today was a weights day! It's raining and gloomy outside. It's the perfect time to go back to my happy place. 

I haven't been lifting as often. I am focused on cardio - running, hiking, walking, biking, swimming - this summer. I spent the last two years only able to lift. I needed a break and time to do all the things I haven't been able to do. Still, lifting is my absolute favorite. I did some supersets and got a good sweat, too. Now, I'm enjoying the post-lifting feeling. The. Best.

Speaking of a good sweat, I am starting a personal weekly challenge. I meant to write about it earlier, but I got distracted by my awesome solo hike. In TKD we do a descending ladder workout that they call terminators. Jumping jacks, push ups, and sit ups - 10 reps down to 1 rep. For the summer, I am going to do terminators once a week and time it. I'm hoping to beat my time every week. 

Attempt One:

Honestly, I didn't push the pace on this one. I just wanted to get through it. Still worked up a good sweat. Nice quick workout and a great start to my week. Bring on the Summer of Sweat!

Photo by Sai Kiran Anagani on Unsplash

Yesterday was awesome. I did my first solo hike and ended up having the mountain to myself. I didn't see anyone else until I was on my way back down. The weather was perfect. It was super windy at the top, but it was refreshing.

I'm not saying that the answer to life's problems are on the top of a mountain, but ...

It was a tough hike. I was definitely tired and a bit sore. It was not all pretty, but I pushed myself. I felt really accomplished when I got to the top. Not because I completed it. I've done that hike quite a few times. I was proud that I'd gone alone. I've never done a solo hike. I've always been too scared. I've been letting fear keep me from a lot of things. I'm done with that now.

I'm so glad I went. I'll definitely go again.

Rough Start, Good Finish

It's been a rough few days. Some days are just harder than others. When Andy suggested a run yesterday, I really didn't want to go. I was tired. I was emotional. I was feeling lazy. But, remembering my manta "Because I Can", I went. It was a perfect evening for a run, and I didn't have any good reasons to skip it.

The beginning was rough. My shins and calves burned. I thought of a million reasons to stop. I did stop for a little while. I allowed myself to walk to the paved section. Then I ran the rest. I was using the couch to 5k app and ran a little extra at the end to make up for walking. I ran for 25 minutes without stopping. Slow, but I did it. Once I got past my negative thinking the run went pretty well, and I felt good when it was over. I need to run more consistently. It makes me happy.

Source

On Saturday the whole family is participating in a 5k fun run/walk/bike. The girl and I are running together, and we've made a plan. We're going to do intervals for the whole thing. I'm excited. It should be a lot of fun, and I'm glad I get to share it with my girl. We 're going to be sporting some very bright ReRunning Podcast shirts.

I love them!

The whole family will be podcasting about our first family race, and it will be available at the ReRunning Podcast Relaunch - June 21st!

All About the Steps

The weather has been absolutely amazing. Summer is coming, and the days have been warm and sunny and vibrant. It makes me want to be outdoors as much as possible.

This morning, I wanted to run. It's been awhile. I had been having trouble with my hip for almost a week. Apparently hiking is magic, and my hip feels great now. Running had to happen. I did my c25k run. It was 25 minutes without walking breaks. I could've gone longer. It felt great. 

I also took the Moon Dog for a walk. We did about 2 miles. He's so happy outside.

This was taken last night while we were chillin' in the backyard enjoying the sunset. Love him.

I'm all about the steps this summer. Now that I can run again, I need to rebuild my cardio and endurance. I've got some long term goals that will need some kind of base. Right now, I'm trying to make sure I get 10,000 steps/day, and on running and hiking days that goal is easy to hit. I'm really looking forward to an active summer. 

Happy Hiker.

I went for a hike yesterday. The first one since my surgery. I was nervous beforehand. Rationally, I knew that it would be better than the last couple years, but I still worried that I would get the racing heart rate and the dizziness. I was worried that somehow hiking would be the thing that I still couldn't do.

Yeah, none of that happened. I had a great time. My hip has been bothering me. It hurt when we started, but it went away after awhile. This morning I feel great. My hip doesn't hurt at all. My calves are a little sore, but that's it. I know I may get some DOMS later today, but I am so surprised that my hip feels good. It's better than it has felt in a week. Hiking heals.

It was cool and super windy at the top, but it was such a good hike.

I'm so happy that I can hike again!!!

Happy post-hiking face:

Walking.

This past week was super busy. There was limited time for exercise, so I did what I could and was happy with it. I mainly focused on hitting 10,000 steps every day. I got a Fitbit in February, and it has made a huge difference. I'm much more aware of how long I have been sitting, and I have been using it to make sure I get up every hour and move. I feel so much better.

I got in a few strength sessions during the week, too. Lifting is always my favorite. I love how I feel after a good workout. I haven't gotten to run very much, but I'm planning to run tomorrow. Today is TKD day, so my morning workout is usually practicing my pattern and stretching. Last week's class was tough, especially because I did a lot of exercise on Sunday. Yesterday, I did a lot of walking, but nothing too extreme. Hoping class goes better tonight.

This weekend was pretty great. I was a little bummed to miss the last TKD tournament of the season. With everything that has happened in the last few months, I was not able to compete at all this year, and I missed it. I mostly missed the people. Still, I had a great weekend. Celebrated my baby turning 10, which doesn't really seem possible. Then I had an awesome Mother's Day with my whole family. We did a lot of walking. I wanted to check out a place called Red Rocks in Burlington, and my mom, sister, and brother-in-law joined us. It was a beautiful walk and a gorgeous day.

Runner.

This weekend was absolutely gorgeous. I spent most of Saturday working inside, so yesterday my goal was to be outside and active as much as possible. I had a C25K run on my list, but I wanted to wait until the evening when I could run with Andy.

I started with an early morning walk with Moon Dog. I've been feeling a lot more energetic, and our walking pace has gotten a lot faster. I am still blown away at how much better I feel since surgery. I've been so distracted by life and my emotions that I haven't really noticed the change. I used to be completely exhausted by every little thing I had to do during the day. Now, I have so much more time to get things done because I don't have to rest after every little thing.

After my walk, I was feeling energized, so I decided to lift. My gym is my happy place. I started a lifting plan that I have done before and love. Yesterday was upper body. I worked out for over an hour and felt amazing when I was done. I love the feeling after a good strength workout.

Evening came, and we decided to run the hill. The last run was 20 minutes without walking, which went so much better than expected. This one was back to intervals.

I had a great run. I had to break up my middle running interval. I was on the super steep section of the hill, and my calves were screaming. I did push myself to start running again, at least for a bit, when I was still on the incline.

I paused at the top of the hill to take a picture. Everything has come to life in the last few days, and the world is so green. I love this time of year.

I kept running. A little past the halfway point, I turned around. I was psyched. I have been struggling to hit 2 miles. I'd only done it once before, but I knew I would get it this time. I usually do not even reach the top of the hill. I reached it and ran past it. I was still feeling great, and my energy was through the roof.

I was in a groove when my last walking interval came up, and I decided to just keep going. I ran through the last running interval and still felt good. I decided to just run the rest of the way home.

I still cannot wrap my head around how much better I feel. I'm so thrilled to be running without an accelerated heart rate, without horrible foot pain, without complete exhaustion. To be able to keep going, feel good at the end, and wake up pain free and strong the next morning.

I'm grateful to be healthy and able to get out and enjoy a gorgeous day. I'm grateful to be a runner again.

Still Broken, But Getting Better

On March 31st, my dad passed away after a 5 year battle with cancer. I haven't been able to think, let alone find words to express the grief I feel. I'm not sure that there are words to describe it, and if there are, it will take a better writer than me to express it. It's having a giant hole inside of you. It's walking around and looking fine and everything is normal, but nothing is actually normal and you are so far from fine. It's feeling like the world has been turned upside down, shaken, and broken, yet your day-to-day is the same.

It's taken me a month to even get back to all of my usual activities. It took a week for me to leave my house. Every little thing was a monumental effort. Even just picking up my kids from school was too much. Every person I saw was incredibly kind, but I could not talk about it without crying. I still haven't had a day without crying, but I've got it a little more under control now.

 I am so grateful for the people in my life. This whole thing has made me value my relationships a lot more, and unfortunately, it has also shown me a few that I need to let go. But, I am staying focused on the love that people are giving me. It's been absolutely overwhelming.

The last thing I added back into my life was TKD class. My TKD family has been incredibly supportive and understanding, but it took me a while to go back. First because class is in the evenings, and I was so exhausted just from trying to exist that I couldn't get myself to go. Second, because even though I am much more confident in my abilities now, it is still a place where I have to step out of my comfort zone often. I just wasn't ready.

It was so good to go back. It is one of my favorite things. I didn't have to talk about my problems or think about them. I could focus solely on class, and I had the support of all the wonderful people there. I was also pleased to find that missing almost two months of class had not affected me too badly, and I still remembered my pattern. I just felt happy after class. I think it was the first time I've really felt good since all of this began.

For now, I am taking things slow. I am being patient with myself and accepting that I am not always going to be up for training (or some days even leaving the house). I'm doing what I can and knowing that it is enough. My health has become a top priority. I'm a master at making excuses, but that's not happening anymore.

 My dad was always the strongest and bravest man I knew. He taught me how to lift when I was young and would accompany him to the fire station. (He was a firefighter and EMT - see, the BRAVEST man I've known.) It is when my love of lifting truly began. Even after his diagnosis, he walked almost daily, and I am not talking about a mile or so. He walked up to 8 miles. No music, no headphones. He watched the nature around him. He hiked almost until the end. We had some really amazing hikes last fall, and I am so grateful for those memories.

So, that is where I am at today. Still broken, but getting better. Figuring out how to live with this and doing my best to make healthy choices and just feeling grateful for all the good in my life.

Normal.

Two weeks, and life continues.

Still working on getting back to "normal". I've been focusing mainly on improving my health. Exercise, healthy eating, meditation, and sleep. I have not been 100% on all of these every day, but I am trying.

Today was a small victory. I've been doing well with running. I'm still following the c25k program. Hopefully, the podcast will be back soon. Most days I really feel like I need to run. I need to be active. Because I can.*

Last week, Andy and I finished week four. We are officially halfway through the program. Then it started snowing. It's April in Vermont. You never know what you're going to get. I am looking forward to some beautiful spring running, but this is also the kind of snow I love. Today, the air is filled with big, fluffy, white flakes. They melted almost as soon as they hit the ground. It's not very cold. The air is crisp.

There is the wind. It blew steadily into my face for the first half of my run. The pretty snow had turned into something closer to rain but still with the sting of ice. I definitely considered turning back. I started trying to justify it. I could just walk the warm up and then turn back. I could wait until tomorrow. Maybe it won't snow tomorrow. Etc, etc, etc...

I decided to run the first run section and decide after that. I was already out there. It wasn't so bad. The wind would be at my back on the way back to my car. And, of course, I should run "because I can". I completed week five, day one of the c25k program. There was a time when running in rain/snow/wind was usual for me. It's not a big deal, but I've been avoiding it for awhile. I haven't wanted to be uncomfortable. Now, I just want to run, regardless of weather, and I am looking forward to future race training. I'm ready to challenge myself again.

Right now I am enjoying the slow build up to running again. The last two runs have felt much better. There is definitely some improvement.

*Mantra 2018

Grief.

A week ago, I lost someone very, very important to me. I don't have the words right now to express the grief I am feeling. I'm sure I will find a way to express it in time, but right now, the hurt is too new. My world has been blown apart, and I'm not sure how to handle it.

I am using exercise to try and grasp at a feeling of normal. It's a good distraction. I'd like to continue the blog as well. Right now I am focused on being healthier. It's something I can control.

All I want to do is run. I've continued my C25K training, and I've been adding extra running or doubling the workouts. Today I had a lot of energy and a day off. I woke up early and did a run with the Artist. He wants to start running again and loves to go first thing in the morning. I'm glad he wants to run. It's so much fun to go with him.

I also needed to do C25K workout. I really wanted to do a longer run, so I did the program twice. I'm on week 4, so the run intervals are longer. I felt pretty good. My legs are tired, and I need to stretch. Love that feeling.

Tomorrow I am going to try going back to TKD. I need to get back to my usual routine, and I miss going to class.

That's the plan for now. Slowly getting back to normal (whatever that is now).

ReRunning.

I have missed running so much. I am loving the couch to 5k program that I am doing with Andy. It's short, manageable, and there is no thinking involved. I love not having to think. Just get out the door and go.

I really love being able to be active again. Last week was a great week. Not only did I do my 3 C25K runs, but I also crushed my old bench press PB by 15#. I can bench 100#, which may not seem like much to other people, but it is huge for me. I feel like I've been stuck at 85# forever. It's nice to be able to lift heavy again, too.

It's been several weeks now, and I am still blown away by how much was affected by my parathyroid. Something as simple as calcium can throw everything out of whack. I promise I'll stop talking about it eventually, but I am still amazed every day by how great I feel and how much energy I have.

It's a good thing I have all this new energy because Andy and I have completely committed to running again. We've started a podcast about our rerunning adventures. It's still in its infancy, but you can check it out here. It is also available through iTunes, Stitcher, and Google Play. Subscribe and follow along. The C25k is only the tip of the rerunning iceberg.

TKD

It's tournament season!

I really enjoy tournaments. I had so much fun volunteering at the first one. There are so many awesome people, and it's a really positive environment. I love watching my kids compete. One had a difficult time this time around with patterns and breaking. He took third in sparring! He was disappointed, of course. Before the tournament, we set some goals that had nothing to do with the medals, and he met all of them. We had a good talk about learning from losses and having a good attitude. This is why TKD is invaluable. Those lessons mean so much more than medals.

Last night was my first TKD class in almost two months. I was nervous. For over two years, I have started class feeling like I was going to pass out. I breathed heavily throughout classes, overheated,  and went home completely beaten up. It took several days for most of the pain to go away. Last night was my first class after surgery, and I had no idea how it would go.

It went really, really well. I was very rusty, but I could breathe. I got through warmups without feeling dizzy. I woke up this morning sore but not in pain. I was super excited when I got home, and I definitely cried a little. There were quite a few times when I wondered if I would be able to continue. Luckily, I am stubborn and really didn't want to give up TKD.

I'm really excited to see what I can do now that I feel better!

Appreciation.

Yesterday I was officially cleared for all exercise. I was so excited. I have been running this week and completed the first week of C25K, but I was nervous to lift again. Yesterday I lifted for the first time in about 3 weeks, and it was awesome.

I kept it short. I'm really working hard to ease back into exercising, but it's not easy. I have so much more energy now. I want to do everything!! While I was feeling bad, I had a lot of big, lofty goals that truly seemed impossible. Now, I have energy again and feel amazing. Those big goals don't seem as far away now.

For 2018, though, it is all about the 5ks. Andy and I are enjoying C25K, and it's fun running together. We're planning on doing 3-4 races this summer/fall. I may throw in one 10k. There is a local race that I've done a couple times. I may have to do it again now that I can. It's been a few years since I ran it.

Today is the first TKD tournament of the season. I am not competing. I'm kind of bummed. This is only the second time I have missed one since I started TKD, and it's the first time I've missed this tournament. I had no time to train, so I know this is the right choice. I am going to volunteer to help out instead. My kids are still competing, and I am looking forward to seeing everyone there.

Overall, I am just so thrilled to be able to move and have energy and to be in a good mood. I feel like a different person. I feel the way I used to over 3 years ago, only now I am so much more appreciative.

I Ran.

I feel like a new person. It's strange. After being in a certain mindset for over two years -
I can't run. It hurts. It will take days to recover.  
- Suddenly, I am back to where I was three years ago. I feel good. I can exercise daily, and I feel fine. No pain. No recovery time. I was not prepared for the shift. It's a great problem to have. I am so lucky that this was easily fixed.

On Sunday, I ran.

Andy and I are doing a c25k program to start running again. There will be a podcast about our adventures coming soon. 

So, on Sunday, we started the program. It was a warm up and intervals of walking and running. It was manageable and went so much better than I expected. I really tried to stay active as limited as I was. It helped. My strength is there. My cardio is not as bad as I thought it would be. Best of all, my heart rate did not spike. I did not feel like passing out. I felt good. When I was done, my hips did not hurt. Nothing hurt. I felt fine Monday morning. It seems so normal, but it's been so long since I could run without pain. It's messing with me.

On Monday, I did a little rowing on our new machine. It was fun, but it's going to take some work to get used to it. I only did about 10 minutes. Andy and I went for a walk up the big hill by our house and decided to add in some sprint intervals. I used to love hill sprints. It felt good, but it was definitely hard. I can't wait to do more.

If there is something positive to take from my two year hiatus, it's rediscovering my love for running. I took it for granted before. I focused on the negative. I refused to call myself a runner.
Ridiculous.
I'm coming from a different place now. I appreciated every step. I got teary-eyed thinking about how I could move without pain. I know that as the difficulty increases, I will probably have some bad runs, but I think I will keep the love this time. I'm just so happy to move again.

We're starting out slow and easy. I tend to jump in and try to do too much too soon. This time, I am focused on small goals and enjoying the process. I'm excited to focus strictly on 5ks for a while. I always added distance before, and I am sure I will again. Still, it will be fun to keep it short for a while.

Today is day two of the program. I think I'm going to go up the big hill again.  I'm just so happy to run again.

http://www.picturequotes.com/ill-be-happy-if-running-and-i-can-grow-old-together-quote-442165

Limited.

So, in my usual fashion, I completely overdid it on my first day post-surgery. I felt good, and the weather was beautiful. I couldn't help myself.
I paid for it. I spent the whole next day just trying to find a comfortable position. Guess what? There wasn't one.
Yesterday was better. My neck was still sore and swollen, but it improved as the day went on. I was able to go for a short walk with the family. That was nice. I don't enjoy taking it easy, and even though I'm limited, I wanted to be outside and moving. I made sure to do a lot less than I did the first day.
I do not like being so limited. I feel good (other than my neck), and all I want to do is go run or lift weights. But, for now, I cannot do much. I am not supposed to run or "lift heavy". Their definition of lifting heavy greatly differs from mine. I can't lift anything over 15 pounds. Of course because I can't do it, it's all I can think about. I can't wait until I can start being active again.
I am finally feeling more clear-headed. I have only had a few experiences with anesthesia, but I do not do well with it. I hate the way I feel, and it seems to take several days for it to get out of my system. I don't know if that's how it actually works, but it's how I feel every time. I'm glad to be feeling somewhat normal again.

Birthday.

Today is a special day. Not only is it my birthday, but today I get my life back. I am one day post-surgery, and even though I am still recovering, I already feel so much better than I have for the last two years. I even went for a short walk this morning. The weather is gorgeous, and I have energy for the first time what feels like forever.
I really didn't think this would work. Everything I read was positive and said that things would improve quickly. It all seemed too good to be true. The last couple years have been tough. I went from being able to run and hike and do anything I wanted to having heart palpitations at the very beginning of exercise (or sometimes just climbing stairs), having no energy, painful feet, hands, and joints, and just not caring about anything. It felt like I was dragging myself through the days. It made it difficult to do anything or interact with anyone. I just wanted to stay home and hide. The last two or three months were the worst. I didn't really talk about it. Everyone has problems. We're all fighting battles that no one else can see.
It has, however, been a gift. It forced me to slow down. I had to reexamine my life and my priorities and ask myself what really mattered. It forced me to do less. I've always had a problem with taking on too many things - out of guilt and an inability to ever say no. I was trying to prove something. I'm still not sure what. I had to learn to say no, to admit when I was overwhelmed, and to let go of things that were not good for me. I've had to take a long look at myself and discover what needs work and what needed to be removed entirely. I've learned to be more sympathetic. When you have something that is hard to explain and invisible to others, it can be difficult. People are not always kind, and if you look healthy, they assume you are.
I've struggled to stay active throughout. I knew it was essential to my well-being, physically and emotionally. It has not been easy. I went from having run a marathon to not being able to walk a mile without pain and struggle. It's demoralizing. I started each TKD class feeling like I was going to pass out but being too ashamed to admit I was struggling. I've missed a lot of classes lately just because I was too exhausted to go. It would take 4-5 days for me to recover. I hated feeling so bad, but I pushed on. Because I can't sit around and do nothing. It's not who I am.
I think my biggest take-away from this is kindness. Spread that shit around because you have no idea who needs it. On some of my really bad days, a simple remark could make things better. I recently finished a musical at the high school and received a card from the kids that made me cry. They'll never have any idea how much I needed their kind words.
While I can see the benefits of this struggle, I am glad to be moving on. I have lots of plans and am finally feeling like they are possible. Best birthday present I could ever receive.

Mindful.

It's February. In the past, when I made New Years resolutions, I would have failed by now. 

For a while, I stopped making resolutions. I had a lot of reasons, but if I'm honest, it was because if I didn't make them, I could not fail.

Lately, I have been more interested in making small changes and being consistent while also keeping my goals manageable. I decided instead of big new years resolutions, I would set monthly goals. I also took a different approach and decided to make most of the goals something that adds positively to my life. I'm not taking anything away, but I am adding something that makes me feel good. When I feel good, I make better choices overall.

January's was a meditation streak. I had to meditate every day for the whole month. The time could fluctuate, but I had to do some kind of meditation every day. I had been using the Head Space app off and on, and I decided to utilize it for this goal. Most days I did 10 minute meditations. I completed a 30 day anxiety package. It became a part of my daily routine, and I found myself wanting to do it. I needed my 10 minutes of peace. I even continued my streak through some stressful events and handled them with a much cooler head.

This is exactly what I was hoping for. I have continued my streak. I am on Day #46, and I don't see it ending any time soon. Mini goals work.

Blue.

As I said in the last post, not much is going on right now. I'm waiting. Most days I am happy to get in a workout.

There was one big accomplishment, but again, it involved waiting. I am working on my patience right now, but I struggled with this one.

It started back before Christmas. I was directing a big holiday production, and I was getting ready for my blue belt testing. I was also super stressed and not sleeping. I got sick. I'm not talking about some minor thing. I got very, very sick and missed not only tech rehearsal for my show, but also blue belt testing. I am very lucky to have an understanding instructor who agreed to let me test some time after the new year.

I was so nervous doing everything alone, but it went pretty well. I did a good foot break (one I will use for tournaments), and I did a hand break that I had never done before. I've honestly not done a hand break in testings or tournaments, so I was pretty pumped.

So, now I'm a blue belt, and this one means more than any of the others. I feel like I finally have some confidence in my abilities, and I have started putting more effort toward improving specific skills. I feel like I worked hard for this one, and I am so excited to move forward from here. I really like the blue belt patterns, and I am looking forward to working on them.

I have a little more time to learn my pattern before tournaments. Unfortunately, my surgery is pretty close to the first tournament, and I will not be able to compete. I'm hoping to volunteer, and I'll get to watch my kiddos compete. I'll miss competing, but my health is more important. It will be kind of nice to get to enjoy the day and not stress about it.

So, that's my big accomplishment so far. Nice way to start off 2018. Can't wait to feel better and train more.

Hopeful.

I had to laugh at the title of the last post - Consistency. Written over two months ago.

I have not been consistent with writing the blog. I have, however, been working on consistency in other areas. I have been following a lifting plan for about a month, and I am on day #39 of a meditation streak.

But, back to the blog. I have not been consistent. Why? Honestly, because there hasn't been much to write about. I have been struggling with my health for a couple years. Some of this I have already written about, so I'll spare you the details and talk about where I am at now.

I finally, after 2+ years of appointments and disappointment, have a date for surgery. It's a super simple procedure, and it should completely cure the hyperparathyroidism. No more daily pain. No more exhaustion. No more racing heart. No more mood swings or memory loss (or at least less). I could start running again.

It's been a long time. I have pretty much accepted where I am, but I don't like it. I don't like feeling limited. I don't like feeling awful every day. To have this all go away would be amazing. I am hopeful.

And, if it works, I am going to (as my husband put it) "go exercise crazy."

For now, I am doing as much as I can. My focus has been on lifting. It keeps my bones strong, and I can usually do it. Honestly, my feet hurt a lot most days. Walking makes it worse. Running is out of the question. Lifting usually works, and I love it. I have been solidly consistent with my program. Progress is slow, but it's there.

I have also continued to do TKD. I won't lie. It hurts. I have a very long recovery period now, and I am usually wrecked for a couple days after class. I've stuck with it because I really enjoy it. It gives me a lot of satisfaction, and I feel proud of my accomplishments, even the small ones.

So, that's where I'm at right now. I'm hopeful that in another month, I will be out doing more and writing more.