Birthday.

Today is a special day. Not only is it my birthday, but today I get my life back. I am one day post-surgery, and even though I am still recovering, I already feel so much better than I have for the last two years. I even went for a short walk this morning. The weather is gorgeous, and I have energy for the first time what feels like forever.
I really didn't think this would work. Everything I read was positive and said that things would improve quickly. It all seemed too good to be true. The last couple years have been tough. I went from being able to run and hike and do anything I wanted to having heart palpitations at the very beginning of exercise (or sometimes just climbing stairs), having no energy, painful feet, hands, and joints, and just not caring about anything. It felt like I was dragging myself through the days. It made it difficult to do anything or interact with anyone. I just wanted to stay home and hide. The last two or three months were the worst. I didn't really talk about it. Everyone has problems. We're all fighting battles that no one else can see.
It has, however, been a gift. It forced me to slow down. I had to reexamine my life and my priorities and ask myself what really mattered. It forced me to do less. I've always had a problem with taking on too many things - out of guilt and an inability to ever say no. I was trying to prove something. I'm still not sure what. I had to learn to say no, to admit when I was overwhelmed, and to let go of things that were not good for me. I've had to take a long look at myself and discover what needs work and what needed to be removed entirely. I've learned to be more sympathetic. When you have something that is hard to explain and invisible to others, it can be difficult. People are not always kind, and if you look healthy, they assume you are.
I've struggled to stay active throughout. I knew it was essential to my well-being, physically and emotionally. It has not been easy. I went from having run a marathon to not being able to walk a mile without pain and struggle. It's demoralizing. I started each TKD class feeling like I was going to pass out but being too ashamed to admit I was struggling. I've missed a lot of classes lately just because I was too exhausted to go. It would take 4-5 days for me to recover. I hated feeling so bad, but I pushed on. Because I can't sit around and do nothing. It's not who I am.
I think my biggest take-away from this is kindness. Spread that shit around because you have no idea who needs it. On some of my really bad days, a simple remark could make things better. I recently finished a musical at the high school and received a card from the kids that made me cry. They'll never have any idea how much I needed their kind words.
While I can see the benefits of this struggle, I am glad to be moving on. I have lots of plans and am finally feeling like they are possible. Best birthday present I could ever receive.