I failed hard on Saturday. I practiced, practiced, practiced. I nailed my break twice during our practice time at the tournament. But, it still took me 4 tries to break it when I got up there. My head just wasn't in the game, and tournaments are all mental. It bled over into sparring, and I was out the first round.
It was a much larger group than usual, and my nerves were a wreck. I'm not sure what a panic attack feels like, but I might have been having one. I had also totally psyched myself out the night before, and it bled over into tournament day. I could make a lot of excuses, but I won't. It wasn't my day. Simple as that.
So, the thing I fear the most happened, and you know what? It was good. Not at first, of course. I was frustrated and mad at myself because I know I can do better, but I learned a lot from watching the other competitors. I know what I did wrong and what I need to work on. It took some time to process, but once I did, I knew it was a good thing that I failed so hard in front of all of those people.
Because now it's happened. And, I survived. It wasn't horribly embarrassing. The world didn't end. Honestly, it reignited something in me that I've been missing for a while. I feel like it freed me to just go for it at the next one because I have nothing to lose.
I don't usually like to admit when I really care about something because I feel like I'm setting myself up to fail. Horrible mindset, I know. I do care about TKD. I want to do well. I'm committing to working 200% harder, so next time I will improve. I'm not going to worry about failing or looking stupid because who cares? This is just for me, and at least I am out there trying.
I didn't get to this conclusion immediately. I took a 9 miles walk with my TKD partner in crime, Michelle, on Sunday, and she was kind enough to listen to me ramble until I had my head straight. I really don't know what I'd do without her.
My kids had a great tournament, which made things better. The Bean kicked some serious ass. She's a powerhouse. It's funny because she's quiet and doesn't ever seem too nervous, but when she gets out there, she gets it done. Gold in breaking and silver in sparring. She's only half-way through her new pattern, so she opted not to do it. She'll be ready in time for the next one.
The Artist was probably the biggest success of the day. He got third in patterns and third in sparring, but it wasn't the medals that mattered. It was his attitude. Last year he got nervous and didn't do very well. Then he got upset. And stayed upset. All. Day. Long.
I wasn't sure he would want to try another tournament, but he did. We talked a lot about having a positive attitude and trying his best. He worked really hard, and his pattern was great. He was so excited when he finished that he jumped in the air and cheered. Not really what he's supposed to do, but he was so proud and happy that I don't think anyone cared.
His break didn't go well, but he didn't get upset and went into sparring with a good attitude. He was happy when he was done, and he wore his medals to school today. Such an improvement over last year. I told him he got a gold in the indomitable spirit category. So proud of him.
It was a great example for me, too. No matter how mad/disappointed/frustrated I felt when I was done, I had to smile and keep my stuff together. I talk to the kids constantly about having a good attitude. It was time to practice what I preach.
I got a lot out of this tournament. More than the others. I'm excited to get back into it tonight at class and start getting ready for the next one. I'm certainly not ready to give up.
I kept it going this morning with a run. I've been slacking lately and walking a lot. This time I didn't let myself walk. I need to build my mental toughness more than anything else. I can keep feeling bad because the Em who ran a marathon is no longer around, or I can get it together and find her again - or maybe even a better version this time. That's the goal for now.
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