Runner.

This weekend was absolutely gorgeous. I spent most of Saturday working inside, so yesterday my goal was to be outside and active as much as possible. I had a C25K run on my list, but I wanted to wait until the evening when I could run with Andy.

I started with an early morning walk with Moon Dog. I've been feeling a lot more energetic, and our walking pace has gotten a lot faster. I am still blown away at how much better I feel since surgery. I've been so distracted by life and my emotions that I haven't really noticed the change. I used to be completely exhausted by every little thing I had to do during the day. Now, I have so much more time to get things done because I don't have to rest after every little thing.

After my walk, I was feeling energized, so I decided to lift. My gym is my happy place. I started a lifting plan that I have done before and love. Yesterday was upper body. I worked out for over an hour and felt amazing when I was done. I love the feeling after a good strength workout.

Evening came, and we decided to run the hill. The last run was 20 minutes without walking, which went so much better than expected. This one was back to intervals.

I had a great run. I had to break up my middle running interval. I was on the super steep section of the hill, and my calves were screaming. I did push myself to start running again, at least for a bit, when I was still on the incline.

I paused at the top of the hill to take a picture. Everything has come to life in the last few days, and the world is so green. I love this time of year.

I kept running. A little past the halfway point, I turned around. I was psyched. I have been struggling to hit 2 miles. I'd only done it once before, but I knew I would get it this time. I usually do not even reach the top of the hill. I reached it and ran past it. I was still feeling great, and my energy was through the roof.

I was in a groove when my last walking interval came up, and I decided to just keep going. I ran through the last running interval and still felt good. I decided to just run the rest of the way home.

I still cannot wrap my head around how much better I feel. I'm so thrilled to be running without an accelerated heart rate, without horrible foot pain, without complete exhaustion. To be able to keep going, feel good at the end, and wake up pain free and strong the next morning.

I'm grateful to be healthy and able to get out and enjoy a gorgeous day. I'm grateful to be a runner again.

Still Broken, But Getting Better

On March 31st, my dad passed away after a 5 year battle with cancer. I haven't been able to think, let alone find words to express the grief I feel. I'm not sure that there are words to describe it, and if there are, it will take a better writer than me to express it. It's having a giant hole inside of you. It's walking around and looking fine and everything is normal, but nothing is actually normal and you are so far from fine. It's feeling like the world has been turned upside down, shaken, and broken, yet your day-to-day is the same.

It's taken me a month to even get back to all of my usual activities. It took a week for me to leave my house. Every little thing was a monumental effort. Even just picking up my kids from school was too much. Every person I saw was incredibly kind, but I could not talk about it without crying. I still haven't had a day without crying, but I've got it a little more under control now.

 I am so grateful for the people in my life. This whole thing has made me value my relationships a lot more, and unfortunately, it has also shown me a few that I need to let go. But, I am staying focused on the love that people are giving me. It's been absolutely overwhelming.

The last thing I added back into my life was TKD class. My TKD family has been incredibly supportive and understanding, but it took me a while to go back. First because class is in the evenings, and I was so exhausted just from trying to exist that I couldn't get myself to go. Second, because even though I am much more confident in my abilities now, it is still a place where I have to step out of my comfort zone often. I just wasn't ready.

It was so good to go back. It is one of my favorite things. I didn't have to talk about my problems or think about them. I could focus solely on class, and I had the support of all the wonderful people there. I was also pleased to find that missing almost two months of class had not affected me too badly, and I still remembered my pattern. I just felt happy after class. I think it was the first time I've really felt good since all of this began.

For now, I am taking things slow. I am being patient with myself and accepting that I am not always going to be up for training (or some days even leaving the house). I'm doing what I can and knowing that it is enough. My health has become a top priority. I'm a master at making excuses, but that's not happening anymore.

 My dad was always the strongest and bravest man I knew. He taught me how to lift when I was young and would accompany him to the fire station. (He was a firefighter and EMT - see, the BRAVEST man I've known.) It is when my love of lifting truly began. Even after his diagnosis, he walked almost daily, and I am not talking about a mile or so. He walked up to 8 miles. No music, no headphones. He watched the nature around him. He hiked almost until the end. We had some really amazing hikes last fall, and I am so grateful for those memories.

So, that is where I am at today. Still broken, but getting better. Figuring out how to live with this and doing my best to make healthy choices and just feeling grateful for all the good in my life.