A Year Of No

I wrote the notes for this post three days ago.

That fact fits perfectly into this post. This week has been brutal. I've been working full time hours plus doing my usual part-time jobs. Everything is getting done, but I am completely exhausted. Even after I finally got some sleep - Yay, Saturday! I've had to wake up earlier, but I was going to bed later. I haven't seen my family very much, and I hate it. They've been having fun at camps, but I still miss seeing them. It's been a hard week, and that makes not seeing them worse. I've also had no time (or energy) to workout. I did manage to squeeze in a couple 10 minute yoga sessions, but I think I was too stressed for it to work. That's too stressed.

But, looking on the bright side, I've got two days with nothing but family time, and I've only got one more hard week before I am back to my usual routine.

This has made me really think about my life and my priorities. I know that I say "yes" to too many things. I get spread too thin. If you having been reading this blog for a while, I bet you see a pattern. Sometimes I feel like I am doing better, but other times (like now) I know I still have a long way to go.

I need a year of No. I thought about this three days ago (when I wrote down the notes for this post). I wanted to write the post then, but I needed some time with my kiddos before bedtime. Over the past three days I've been thinking about it a lot. I considered making it my resolution for 2017, but then I realized that I couldn't wait that long. I have to start now.

So, halfway through 2016, I've decided this is my year of No. I am not going to immediately agree to projects. I am going to consider how it effects my family, my writing time, and my workout time. It sounds really selfish. I hate feeling selfish.

But, I need this. When I was training for the marathon (4 years ago - yikes), I was being a little selfish. Training took a lot of time. I was in amazing shape and felt great. I had so much confidence, which really makes everything easier.

Then I had some rough times, and I went into a major downward spiral. A long one. It went on for several years. I still kept doing things, and even did some of them well, but I felt terrible. I was an emotional mess and filling my hours and days with things that I didn't really care about (and a few I did). Things were bad for a while, and they got worse whenever I was stressing about a project, which was pretty much all the time. I knew I had to lighten up on what I'm doing, but I felt guilty. I knew what things I wanted (or really needed) to keep, but I didn't know how to let go of the others.

Guilt would be my fatal flaw in  Shakespearean play.

This week has been a slap in the face. A wake-up call. It's made me really look at what I am doing and what needs to change. I'm going to be a little bit selfish. I need to start feeling better about myself, and that takes a lot of hard work and time. I want to (as my friend, Michelle, always says) "be on the list". I am no where near my list right now. My health needs to be a priority - not one of the first things to go.

The other thing that always gets pushed away by projects is time to write. Writing is like meditation to me. I love it, and I need that time of creating and working in quiet. It needs to be on the list.

Side note: I saw a show of Martha Graham's choreography when I was about 14, and it changed my entire perspective of art. I still remember some of the pieces - 21 years later.

My family is always on the list, but we have better times and busier times. I know this will always happen, but I would like to cut down on some of the busyness if possible. The kids are growing up fast, and I don't want to miss a second of it.

This weekend, I am going to take some time to exercise and meditate. I'm going to relax, and spend time with my family. I am going to figure out how to put myself on the list.

Survival Mode and the Aftermath

For three weeks, I took a break from all the extra stuff in my life. If it didn't have a looming deadline or a scheduled time, I let it fall.

It had to happen. December is the busiest month for our family, and I didn't have time for anything extra. Just my day-to-day was too much. I went into my survival mode. I just had to get through the days and not drop the ball on anything. If I got in a walk with the dog, great. If I didn't have time for even that amount of exercise, that's okay, too. No judgements.

It applied to my eating, too. I ate things that I haven't eaten since college (with good reason). I did what was easy and pleasing, and I didn't worry about it. It was nice at first. Then it wasn't anymore. There is a reason I eat well and try to take care of myself. After days of poor eating and little exercise, I felt awful. Problems that I haven't had in six years came back.

I'm done with it. I do not want to eat like this anymore. I'm looking forward to a day of salads. I'm itching to get in a run -  even if I have to run on my treadmill. I'm ready to go back to what works and what I enjoy.

I'm ready to start training again. It freaks me out to admit it, but I am starting to work toward a running goal. A half marathon. I used to run 13.1 miles without a problem, but I am pretty far away from that now. I'm starting over. Not quite back at square one but close.

I'm setting mini-goals and trying to remember how I started the last time. I'm definitely ready for the change. My friend asked me about my resolutions for 2016, and I started thinking about what I really want out of life. What's working and what isn't. Mostly, I am pretty pleased with my life.

I don't usually make resolutions since I tend to always have mini-goals going year-round. In the past, I would make resolutions about my health and weight, but I'd fail or change course during the year. I like mini-goals better. They're easier to achieve and create lasting habits. It works better than trying to change everything all at once. Baby steps.

I am going to make fun resolutions this year. I want to read a new book every month. I want to climb 10 mountains this year. I want to go somewhere new.

I have other goals - health, writing, peacefulness - , but they are not resolutions. They're big goals that may take longer than a year to complete. They may change as I go along. They're the constant goals that I am always working toward in one way or another.

I want my resolutions to be something I look forward to. Something I enjoy and can share with others. I won't want to blow them off, and they'll add so much more to my life than a resolution to lose 20 pounds.

Now that I'm getting myself back on track, I'm going to try to keep up with the blog. It will help keep me accountable for my training, too. I'm really going to focus on sticking to a training plan and training with a positive attitude. I've been feeling very negative about running, and that's not going to help me achieve my goals.

I'll write another time about my goals and what I'm doing to reach them, but for now, I am back to the blog, back to taking care of myself, and looking forward to a fun 2016.