A Year Of No

I wrote the notes for this post three days ago.

That fact fits perfectly into this post. This week has been brutal. I've been working full time hours plus doing my usual part-time jobs. Everything is getting done, but I am completely exhausted. Even after I finally got some sleep - Yay, Saturday! I've had to wake up earlier, but I was going to bed later. I haven't seen my family very much, and I hate it. They've been having fun at camps, but I still miss seeing them. It's been a hard week, and that makes not seeing them worse. I've also had no time (or energy) to workout. I did manage to squeeze in a couple 10 minute yoga sessions, but I think I was too stressed for it to work. That's too stressed.

But, looking on the bright side, I've got two days with nothing but family time, and I've only got one more hard week before I am back to my usual routine.

This has made me really think about my life and my priorities. I know that I say "yes" to too many things. I get spread too thin. If you having been reading this blog for a while, I bet you see a pattern. Sometimes I feel like I am doing better, but other times (like now) I know I still have a long way to go.

I need a year of No. I thought about this three days ago (when I wrote down the notes for this post). I wanted to write the post then, but I needed some time with my kiddos before bedtime. Over the past three days I've been thinking about it a lot. I considered making it my resolution for 2017, but then I realized that I couldn't wait that long. I have to start now.

So, halfway through 2016, I've decided this is my year of No. I am not going to immediately agree to projects. I am going to consider how it effects my family, my writing time, and my workout time. It sounds really selfish. I hate feeling selfish.

But, I need this. When I was training for the marathon (4 years ago - yikes), I was being a little selfish. Training took a lot of time. I was in amazing shape and felt great. I had so much confidence, which really makes everything easier.

Then I had some rough times, and I went into a major downward spiral. A long one. It went on for several years. I still kept doing things, and even did some of them well, but I felt terrible. I was an emotional mess and filling my hours and days with things that I didn't really care about (and a few I did). Things were bad for a while, and they got worse whenever I was stressing about a project, which was pretty much all the time. I knew I had to lighten up on what I'm doing, but I felt guilty. I knew what things I wanted (or really needed) to keep, but I didn't know how to let go of the others.

Guilt would be my fatal flaw in  Shakespearean play.

This week has been a slap in the face. A wake-up call. It's made me really look at what I am doing and what needs to change. I'm going to be a little bit selfish. I need to start feeling better about myself, and that takes a lot of hard work and time. I want to (as my friend, Michelle, always says) "be on the list". I am no where near my list right now. My health needs to be a priority - not one of the first things to go.

The other thing that always gets pushed away by projects is time to write. Writing is like meditation to me. I love it, and I need that time of creating and working in quiet. It needs to be on the list.

Side note: I saw a show of Martha Graham's choreography when I was about 14, and it changed my entire perspective of art. I still remember some of the pieces - 21 years later.

My family is always on the list, but we have better times and busier times. I know this will always happen, but I would like to cut down on some of the busyness if possible. The kids are growing up fast, and I don't want to miss a second of it.

This weekend, I am going to take some time to exercise and meditate. I'm going to relax, and spend time with my family. I am going to figure out how to put myself on the list.

Take Care Of Yourself

There is so much more to being healthy than just exercise and eating well. Stress, sleep, and water consumption are all very, very important. I know this, but it doesn't mean that I always pay attention to what I need. 

This week was a show week. Show weeks are always stressful. This one was more so because I had to cancel one of the last rehearsals due to the Artist's eye mishap. I haven't slept more than a few hours a night all week. I haven't been drinking enough water. I've been eating pretty well and exercising regularly, but that's not enough.

I had an ambitious workout plan. Yesterday was a perfect day. I got up early for a 6 mile walk with my friend. My legs felt surprisingly tired after all the hills. This was the first warning sign.

The Bean and I went for a 5+ mile bike ride in the afternoon. The weather was so perfect, I just had to be outside in the sun! 

We had a great ride and celebrated with tea and a smoothie at The Flying Disc. Did I mention that I consumed a lot of caffeine this week? Not a good choice, especially combined with not enough water.

I had a lot planned. Today was going to be a long run. Monday a long hike for my friend's birthday and TKD. My body had other ideas.

I woke up this morning with a cramp in my calf. Cramp isn't the right word. It was incredibly painful, and I couldn't get it to relax. I now have a painful spot in the middle of my calf and can't put a lot of weight on it. I didn't take care of myself, and now I'm paying for it.

I had to bail on my run. I'm probably going to spend most of today resting. I'm not sure I'll be able to do a huge hike tomorrow, but I'm hoping if I rest it will be possible.

It's frustrating. I like being active, and I've been working so hard to be more consistent and push myself. Health requires a multifaceted approach, and I have been neglecting 3 out of 5 this week. My brain wanted to push through, but my body knew when to stop me.

Moral of the story: Take care of yourself completely, or your body will make you.

Just Breathe

Life has been a mix of highs and lows lately. I am in the midst of tech for the musical I am directing. I have meetings all week. I've started half marathon training, and I am getting ready for a TKD tournament. Add to that my family's needs, my other jobs, and my writing, and things have been crazy.

Normally, I would eat junk food, not sleep, and stress out. That's my M.O. for tech/show week most of the time. But, I want to be healthy. I have to take care of myself. So, I'm trying to do things differently this time.

So far, so good. I ran Friday, Sunday, and this morning. Not only because I needed to, but because I want to. It's a great way to reset my mood in the morning. I added meditation this morning, and I feel much calmer.

My favorite little guy gave me another great tool. He asked me this weekend if I was "off my calm", and since I was feeling stressed, I told him I was. He taught me the "rainbow breath." It's a basic yoga breathing exercise. I think he learned it at school. It was very calming, and he was so proud when I told him it helped me.

Keeping calm is the goal for the next two weeks. I'm trying for daily yoga and meditation as well as just taking things day by day. Plus, lots of running and daily exercise. I've got this.

This Is Show Week

This weekend was killer. Thursday night I had someone drop out of my show. We have a week left, so the stress the last few days has been massive.

Friday I had a few hours of peace. I got up super early and hiked Jay with Tracy and Kelee. Sitting on a mountain at 6am is a moment of perfect peace.

I could have stayed forever.

But, back to reality. It was tech weekend. Three days of work and sleepless nights.

My existence right now.

This morning my cast was supposed to be featured on a morning TV program, but we were bumped for coverage of flooding. I was up and caffeinated at 3am with no where to go. I took a nap, but I am still feeling exhausted. This show is taking a lot out of me, and I feel like I've hit a wall. I don't have the energy to exercise and my willpower is almost non-existent. This is show week.

Still, I love what I do. The show is coming along really well, and my cast is fabulous. I found someone to take over the role that was abandoned, and she's going to be great. I'm really excited for tonight's rehearsal. We're putting it all together. Costumes, lights, pit band, etc. It's my favorite rehearsal.

Show week always takes a toll on me. I take a break from exercise. I don't eat very well. I don't sleep. I'm trying to do better than usual. I'm sticking to my running plan (except my long run on Sunday - 2 hours of sleep and a thunderstorm squashed that). I'm trying to eat well. I'd say it's been about 60/40. Sleep has been my biggest issue. That should get better now that everything is coming together.

I'll be back on track soon.