A Year Of No

I wrote the notes for this post three days ago.

That fact fits perfectly into this post. This week has been brutal. I've been working full time hours plus doing my usual part-time jobs. Everything is getting done, but I am completely exhausted. Even after I finally got some sleep - Yay, Saturday! I've had to wake up earlier, but I was going to bed later. I haven't seen my family very much, and I hate it. They've been having fun at camps, but I still miss seeing them. It's been a hard week, and that makes not seeing them worse. I've also had no time (or energy) to workout. I did manage to squeeze in a couple 10 minute yoga sessions, but I think I was too stressed for it to work. That's too stressed.

But, looking on the bright side, I've got two days with nothing but family time, and I've only got one more hard week before I am back to my usual routine.

This has made me really think about my life and my priorities. I know that I say "yes" to too many things. I get spread too thin. If you having been reading this blog for a while, I bet you see a pattern. Sometimes I feel like I am doing better, but other times (like now) I know I still have a long way to go.

I need a year of No. I thought about this three days ago (when I wrote down the notes for this post). I wanted to write the post then, but I needed some time with my kiddos before bedtime. Over the past three days I've been thinking about it a lot. I considered making it my resolution for 2017, but then I realized that I couldn't wait that long. I have to start now.

So, halfway through 2016, I've decided this is my year of No. I am not going to immediately agree to projects. I am going to consider how it effects my family, my writing time, and my workout time. It sounds really selfish. I hate feeling selfish.

But, I need this. When I was training for the marathon (4 years ago - yikes), I was being a little selfish. Training took a lot of time. I was in amazing shape and felt great. I had so much confidence, which really makes everything easier.

Then I had some rough times, and I went into a major downward spiral. A long one. It went on for several years. I still kept doing things, and even did some of them well, but I felt terrible. I was an emotional mess and filling my hours and days with things that I didn't really care about (and a few I did). Things were bad for a while, and they got worse whenever I was stressing about a project, which was pretty much all the time. I knew I had to lighten up on what I'm doing, but I felt guilty. I knew what things I wanted (or really needed) to keep, but I didn't know how to let go of the others.

Guilt would be my fatal flaw in  Shakespearean play.

This week has been a slap in the face. A wake-up call. It's made me really look at what I am doing and what needs to change. I'm going to be a little bit selfish. I need to start feeling better about myself, and that takes a lot of hard work and time. I want to (as my friend, Michelle, always says) "be on the list". I am no where near my list right now. My health needs to be a priority - not one of the first things to go.

The other thing that always gets pushed away by projects is time to write. Writing is like meditation to me. I love it, and I need that time of creating and working in quiet. It needs to be on the list.

Side note: I saw a show of Martha Graham's choreography when I was about 14, and it changed my entire perspective of art. I still remember some of the pieces - 21 years later.

My family is always on the list, but we have better times and busier times. I know this will always happen, but I would like to cut down on some of the busyness if possible. The kids are growing up fast, and I don't want to miss a second of it.

This weekend, I am going to take some time to exercise and meditate. I'm going to relax, and spend time with my family. I am going to figure out how to put myself on the list.