I Quit

Confession: I'm a quitter. Surprisingly, I'm okay with this. I almost never quit. I've spent my whole life meeting goals. I hate giving up.

I'm trying to do things differently. I've been feeling stressed and buried under commitments. I decided to cut back on responsibilities. I want to enjoy my life and focus on just a few projects. I need less stress.

For the last week or so, I have been feeling pretty stressed about the half. I've lost my mojo. My long runs haven't gone well. I keep trying to not care about how slow I am, but it's nagging at me. I've been dreading the run. I just don't feel ready for it, and I'm not having fun.

The whole point of signing up was to start running again. I wanted to find a way to enjoy it again. I was there for a while. I wanted to run. I looked forward to it. I loved it again. Then I got closer to race time, and I started to worry. I ran less. I wasn't as excited to run.

I want to enjoy it. Running is so great. It makes me feel good and helps me stay positive. I don't want to lose the enjoyment of it. I want it to be fun.

You know what sounds fun? Dropping down to the 5k and running it with the Artist. It will be his first race, and he is so excited. This is why I am okay with being a quitter. This is the right choice. I'm not in a competitive head space. I'm not looking for anything serious. Some fun mother/son time is absolutely perfect.

I'm still planning on some races in 2016. I'm sure I'll get back to a place where I feel ready to run distance again, but right now I just need to enjoy it. I love that the Artist has become my new running buddy. He's a great motivator. I'm so excited for Sunday now.

For now my fitness goals are going to be based in consistency. I want to lift 3x/week and run 2-3x/week (whatever distance I choose). I also want to work more on Taekwondo. Tournament season is coming, and I want to do my best.

I have to accept that I am not where I used to be, and it is going to take time to get back there. I can't expect it to all change at once. Slow and steady all fall and winter is my goal. Build a base. It will make training easier in the spring/summer. It's time for hiking and (soon) snowshoeing. Two of my favorite workouts that pair perfectly with my slow and steady goal.

Of course now that I am motivated again, I am sick. I've been a mess for a couple days. I'm hoping to feel good enough to do a strength workout tomorrow. It will be fairly light/easy. I'm not rushing into anything. One day at a time. Slow and steady.

What's Next?

I am currently in a horrible state of transition. The musical was a great experience, but it was exhausting. I ate terribly. I didn't exercise. I skipped my training plan runs. I barely slept. The stress was high. Now, I'm done with it, and I have a Monday night free. What do I do with myself? I'm a goal-oriented person. I always need to be working toward something.

New goals. I've got my exercise goal. The half is exactly what I need to get back on track. Now I need a creative/writing goal. My super-talented friend and I have been talking about writing a musical together. I think now is the perfect time.

Tonight I just enjoyed having a night off. I made a healthy dinner with veggies that the Artist and I picked up at the farm stand. The Bean is at camp all day, so we get to hang out. The farm stand was today's adventure. He had a good time picking out veggies and promised to try corn on the cob even though he doesn't like corn. It makes a big difference when he is involved in the planning/execution of a meal. He's much more open-minded.

We also went for a run. He's been showing interest in running, and I am thrilled. He is an awesome running buddy. We don't run very far, but we run fast and take walking breaks. We ran over half a mile today, and it was the most fun I have ever had running. We ran uphill first, and he did great on the hills. Then on the way down, he took off, and I watched his joy as he sprinted down the hill. I realized I was holding back and going slow, and I decided to run more like the Artist. I ran faster, swung my arms, and just enjoyed it.

This is what I need. I've been trying to rediscover the love of running that I had before. I just haven't felt it lately. He wants to run, and I am not going to say no to that. I get to spend time with my favorite little guy, and I'm learning to love running again.

Standing Still

Stasis.
noun

1. 1.

   a period or state of inactivity or equilibrium.

That's me. I've been going through the motions most of the time, but I haven't been putting much effort into exercise, my eating, or my writing. I haven't felt that bad about it, which is surprising. I just haven't had the motivation.

I feel like I'm coming out of it now. I've set some definite goals, and I am beginning to plan how to achieve them. I want to run again. I want to do a half again. Maybe more than one. I am planning on splitting the Burlington marathon next year with my friend, Michelle. She's super fast and in crazy good shape, so I want to start training now. Plus, part of me really wants to do a half this fall. It's the best time of year to run, and there are some great races in VT in autumn. 

I also want to improve at Taekwondo. I really enjoy it. I have decided to stick with it and get a black belt. (It makes me nervous to even type that.) I need to start working on it at home. My first step is to practice my pattern every day. I've been keeping track for almost a week and logging the number of times I run through it. It's a small, attainable goal, and I feel like it's helping. Even if it just helps me relax about doing it in front of people. I get really nervous and don't do as well as I could. I need to work on my focus.

I've started thinking about how to strengthen and improve myself for Taekwondo. I'm going to start working it into my home workouts. I want to not only get stronger but also improve my skills and plyometrics. I feel like I'm ready to work for it.

My only other goal is to be calm and enjoy my life. 

I feel like I'm doing pretty well with exercise lately. I've worked out and pushed myself for the last two days. This morning I got up and did a workout. It doesn't seem like much, but I have been literally doing no exercise. I need to start being active again. I feel so much better when I do.

On the other hand, food has been a crazy battle. I've been overindulging and not caring at all. Until the next day. I've slipped back into my old mentality. Just a little, but enough to scare me. I will not go back to the way I was. It doesn't feel good.

Today, I read something amazing. It brought me back to the right frame of mind. It reminded me that strength is important. I remember how empowering it feels to be strong. My love of lifting is back. That's always the first thing to come back. 

Read it here.

Life is good. I'm back on track. I've let myself slip. I accept it. I'm not thrilled that I have so much to undo, but I am ready to do it.